Colonel Sanders’ age-old secret chicken recipe of 11 herbs and spices was removed from its remote location in a KFC corporate office for the first time in decades today and relocated. The AP story about the extra security hired by KFC executives to move The Colonel’s recipe starts out like a fun, tongue-in cheek novelty piece:

The brand’s top executive admitted his nerves were aflutter despite the tight security he lined up for the operation.

“I don’t want to be the president who loses the recipe,” KFC President Roger Eaton said. “Imagine how terrifying that would be.”

…Before abruptly shifting into a brutal, ultra-serious, post-apocalyptic thriller:

The recipe that launched the chicken chain was placed in a lock box that was handcuffed to security expert Bo Dietl, who climbed aboard an armored car that whisked away with an escort from off-duty police officers…

“There’s no way, shape or form … that anybody is going to get their hands on this recipe,” he said. “And if they get their hands on this recipe, they have to take me with them.”

Dietl added, “Seriously, if any of you motherf***ers even THINKS about making a move, you’re gonna get shards of my knuckle bones in your f***ing jugular before you tear off ONE CORNER of the piece of paper that recipe is written on. I swear by the Colonel’s holy goatee that I will cover that recipe with my splattered entrails before I allow another human being to make out the first f***ing letter.”

He then whipped two grenades from his belt and a scene eerily resembling the climax of The Professional commenced.