It’s official — Tom Brady will need surgery on his injured knee and will miss the entire remainder of the 2008 NFL season. Now, as a lifelong Steeler fan who has shared apartments with a Patriots fan on two separate occasions, one would expect that I might receive this news with sadistic glee, or interpret it as karmic justice after the Patriots’ 2007 Spygate scandal / running up the score on the entire NFL / Brady banging Gisele Bundchen and not giving me a chance.
On the contrary, though, I feel that it is shameful sportsmanship and borderline sociopathic behavior to revel in another team’s injury misfortune, which is why I have absolutely nothing but sympathy for Brady’s terribly unfortunate injury and the Patriots’ rough situation.
I’m serious. I have nothing but sympathy for them. Sooooooo much sympathy. Like, you can’t imagine how much sympathy I have. You think you know how much sympathy I have, but you really don’t, it’s like how much sympathy you think I have times a thousand. That’s right — it’s over a thousand sympathy. You know that part in the movie Dave when the president holds out those metal arms and goes “I once caught a fish THIIIIIIISSS BIIIIIIIIGGG”? That is how much sympathy I have for the Patriots.
I have so much sympathy for the Patriots, I’m going to record a local radio station-esque version of “Sympathy For The Devil” with the word “Patriots” in place of “Devil.” I’m also going to replace all of the “woo woos” in the background with “aw man Tom Brady’s done for the year and I feel so bad for you!” Hopefully, that will convince people how sincere I am about this.
I have so much sympathy for the Patriots, that I’m gonna clean out the Sympathy Card section of the nearest Hallmark, and if any of the cards aren’t sympathetic enough, I’m gonna take a black Sharpie and write “SYMPATHY!!!” on the front of the cards to make sure the point gets across.
I have so much sympathy for the Patriots, if I were to direct a production of the play Tea and Sympathy, the audience would be all like “whoa, are we ever getting to the ‘tea’ part??”
I have so much sympathy for the Patriots, I’m going to hold auditions for classical musicians and put together my own symphony, which I will call The Sympathyphony, and we’ll do a symphonic cover of that version of “Sympathy For The Devil” that I just mentioned. The conductor will shout out the “Tom Brady’s done for the year and I feel so bad for you!” parts so that no one mistakes it as a cover of the original Stones song.
I have so much sympathy for the Patriots, I’m going to compile a tribute video for Brady and Bill Belichick consisting entirely of the Patriots going for it on 4th and 1 when leading the Bills 42-10 last year before throwing his fifth touchdown pass en route to a 56-10 victory, set to sad piano music and accompanied by the caption “This won’t happen in 2008″ displayed underneath in touching, sympathetic cursive.
I hope you don’t think I’m being sarcastic. I’m just writing a little weirdly right now because I, like every other fan of a competing AFC Team whose chances at a title greatly improved when Brady when down yesterday, am going through a really tough, really sympathetic time. I really really don’t like to see players getting injured, because if I did I would really be a horrible human being, right? And that’s why I don’t. Everybody got that? Sympathy. Gonna write it in a larger font to make sure the point gets across.
Sympathy.
There. Everyone believe me now? Cool.
