- OH SH*T SON: The fabulous Britney Spears will be opening up this year’s MTV Video Music Awards! Planners say she isn’t going to be singing, per se, but that they’ve got something special planned. Which, to us, translates to a live birth y’all!
- Daniel Radcliffe has confessed to losing his virginity at the age of 16 to an older woman, which completes today’s installment of “Reasons Why The Celebrity Interview Should Be A Thing That No Longer Exists.”
- Congratulations are in order to David Spade, whose DNA somehow managed to find itself inside the reproductive organs of a Playboy Playmate named Jillian Grace, which in turn, created a baby girl.
- And now, the true tragedy in this entire David Duchovny sex scandal fiasco: He will miss his Long Island Lifeguard Reunion Party, finally giving Chip Buckley the chance to win the coveted “DILFiest Abs” award.
- Finally, I’m not quite sure who widow Lily Safra is… but I’m quite sure that seeing her picture this early in the morning will 100 percent ruin my day.
