The 12 Most Disgusting Gum Commercials

September
Tuesday

The 12 Most Disgusting Gum Commercials

As I’ve mentioned in the past, there is nothing in the world that I hate more than chewing gum. I don’t like the sound of it, I don’t like the smell of it, and if so much as a gum wrapper touches something that belongs to me, I feel like I need to wash my hands. I realize this is insane, but I know I’m not alone. Gum is something you put in your mouth and chew. Your saliva mixes in with it and you keep it in your mouth for an indeterminable amount of time. It smells hot and sticky. Its purpose is to cover up your stank breath, so we can only assume that the gum wad also has little bits of the burrito you just ate mixed in with it. And then when you’re done with it, it often is left out in the open for some poor soul like me to step on, sit on, touch, or otherwise encounter.

[Note to coworkers: if you think it would be really funny to play a joke on me involving gum, let me assure you that I will not be laughing. Especially when I'm pouring gasoline all over our cubicle quad and setting it on fire in an attempt to cleanse the area.]

Despite my neuroses, I do think that any reasonable person would agree that many gum commercials are pretty disgusting. Though I find them ALL to be nauseating, here is a list of the most offensive.

12. The Bubble Boy Blew His Wad

“Now with an intense liquid blast.” Gross. It totally looks like an alien spooged all over the place.

11. Boobie-licious

This is one not only glorifies bubble-blowing (which, in reality, is one of the more atrocious sounds one can make in, say, an elevator, or airplane, or other tight space), but it also falsely suggests that chewing gum makes your boobs bigger. Trust me, if that was true, I’d probably get over my fear of gum and try it.

10. Call Me So I Can Breathe My Ice Vapor All Over Your Face

The New York City subway system is disgusting enough. Now I have to imagine everyone’s crystallized gum saliva all over the place? I will never lean against the doors again.

9. This Gum Will Create A Tidal Wave Of Toxic Waste

The new 5 Gum commercials are ridiculous (the gum is so strong that you will basically be transported to a giant chamber where they blast metal balls all over your body, etc.). This one is no different: after eating a piece of their new “Elixir” flavor, the chamber you are standing in will fill with an acid that will undoubtedly eat your flesh before it drowns you.

8. Disgusting In A Selling Out Kind Of Way

What’s disgusting about this one is that, at the time, Milli Vanilli had no other option but to take a giant crap on themselves by doing a Carefree Gum commercial pointing out how fake they were.

7. The Piece of Extra Gum That Has Arms and Legs and Speaks With A Scottish Accent

I couldn’t find a video of the other versions of this commercial, wherein the little piece of gum screams at you as he parachutes off of stuff and flies on a golfball. But you know what I’m talking about. This guy is TERRIFYING. He will climb up on you while you’re sleeping and suck the breath out of you.

6. What’s The Grossest Thing You Could Put In Your Mouth, Besides Gum?

Cockroaches. The answer is cockroaches.

5. Your Mouth Is Filled With Millions Of Tiny Monsters

And the only thing they love to eat is gum.

4. You Know, In Hell Satan Has A Nickname.

They call him Big Red. Why? Because Big Red is the most evil flavor and brand of gum ever created. And in this classic commercial, at the 9 second mark – my worst nightmare is brought to life on film. Being stuck in a crowded elevator with a bunch of people chewing Big Red.

3. Only Something As Disgusting As A Gum Company Could Have Created This Monster

The Onion Man is the mascot for bad breath. If it wasn’t for gum, we would never have had to lay eyes on him.

2. Your Gum Breath Leaves A Residue All Over Everything

Again, I don’t understand the whole “this gum is so winter fresh it will cause you to breathe actual ice crystals” concept. Why in the world would I want your sticky, germ-infested gum vapor all over the surface of my home, work, or body? You know what else looks like that? MOLD.

1. The Bubble Gum That Will Fill Up The Room You’re In And Suffocate You