IT HAS ENDED. A winner has been chosen, the tour rehearsals begin, and I get my life back. So You Think You Can Dance’s season finale had something for everyone: the judges’ favorite routines from the season, newly choreographed numbers, old SYTYCD contestants, popping, the calling out of Miley Cyrus, certain judges’ dance skills, The Jonas Brothers, an absolutely TERRIFYING Cirque du Soleil dance number, and of course our winner.

The show began with the return of the top 20 (sans Jessica). Cat Deeley is wearing an outfit that I can’t decide if I hate or want to wear immediately; it’s got metallic rivets and a long white fringe. Kind of Gladiator-meets-Laugh-In? Tonight, Mary and Nigel are joined at the judges’ table by Debbie Allen, Mia Michaels, Adam Shankman, and Little C. Adam gives us some more detail about the extra prize that the winner will receive: a featured dance role in a movie he is producing. He excitedly proclaims that the movie is going to be the first dance movie ever shot in 3D. Awesome…so I can assume I’m going to feel like I’m getting a pelvis thrust in my face? Sweet! The movie is the third installment of the hit dance film, Step Up, and Adam reveals it’s title – which is by far one of the most clever film titles I’ve ever heard! – Step Up 3D. Get it? It’s Step Up 3 + 3D! Ha! So what they’re basically saying is that the movie’s sole plot is that it’s in 3D?

Then, we see a montage of the incredible journey of this season, which has me teary-eyed, especially when “The Time Of My Life” came on…damn you David Cook! Thank God this roller coaster ride will be over soon. Following this, the top 20 dances a (new?) Shane Sparks routine which was pretty cool. I’m realizing how many of the top 20 I had completely forgotten about. At one point Gev does a mini-crab walk under all the girls who are lined up in a row, which was cool. At the end of this number, the four finalists are left standing while all the others are lying on the ground. IT’S SO SYMBOLIC!

Now, of all the reality competitions I watch (=ALL), I enjoy the SYTYCD finales the best, because they re-perform some of our favorite dances one last time. Tonight, we begin with a Nigel pick, which is Joshua & Katee’s Bollywood number. I’m blown away all over again with this one. It was just so much fun. Next, we see Mary’s choice of Courtney and Gev’s Rumba. Good lord, I had forgotten how SENSUAL this dance was. The lyrics to the song should have been “Gev’s wishing on a star / that Courtney’s BF will dump her over this.”

Next, we witness the FIRST TELEVISED POPPING BATTLE…EVER (according to one of the poppers, Robert Muraine). The set-up package for this was ridiculously cheesy, though intentionally so: “A rivalry as legendary as Ali versus Frasier, Lakers versus Celtics, Paris versus Nicole…is about to explode in an all-out popping WAR!” The battle begins: on one side we have Phillip Chbeeb, and the other, Robert Muraine. The popping is hot, and afterwards the judges tally their votes. Robert wins by a landslide, because of his ability to incorporate humor, sass, and disgusting double-jointedness into his routine. Robert’s a great sport though, and thanks everyone for showcasing he and Phillip’s art.

Next up is Adam’s pick, Dave Scott’s hip-hop routine for Comfort & Twitch. Before the dance started, however, Adam started talking about Step Up 3D again, and pointed out Adam Sevani and Jon Chu (of AC/DC Dance Crew fame) in the audience. Nigel said “Didn’t Miley win at the Teen Choice Awards?” referring to the dance battle that culminated on the awards show earlier this week. Adam snapped back, “We smoked her, but she was hosting the show, so…” Oh SNAP! And I couldn’t agree more, did you see M&M’s lame-ass routine? NEVER YOU MIND WHY I WAS WATCHING THE TEEN CHOICE AWARDS.

Now it’s time for Little C’s pick. He says, “This show is like a prestigious museum of immaculate paintings on the dance floor.” His pick is Mark & Chelsie’s Leona Lewis “Bleeding Love” routine. Little C explains that these two danced through the heart – not from the heart. And then rambled on about something about the nature of dance, it was kind of confusing, but I think it can be summed up using this simple diagram: BRAIN—->HEART—–>DANCE—–>PICASSO.

Next up…uh oh, where’s Mary Murphy? Wait, is that her dancing with Dmitry from Season 2? OH YES IT IS! Wow, I’m actually really impressed. SHE’S STILL GOT IT, you guys. This lady can DANCE! Dare I say, this is hot? It ends with Mary between Dmitry’s legs doing the splits, which is exactly the type of move I would do if I was trying to prove I’m still young.

Next we have Mia’s pick, which is Katee and Will’s pas de deaux, the beautiful piece set to a David Archuleta cover of “Imagine” that sounds like it was mixed in Garage Band. Then we have Adam’s second pick, which is Sonya’s dance for Courtney and Mark. It’s great again, and this time, Mark gives a little sexy-maniacal stare to the camera at the end. We’ll NEVER forget you, Mark.

RESULTS TIME! Well, partial results. Right after she dances her heart out, they tell Courtney that she’s out. I don’t think anyone is that surprised, given the judge’s down-comments on her last night. Her reaction is so sweet though, and she says “I’m not upset.” And I really believe her. She clearly feels great about making it this far. Following this, we are treated to a dance by the top 5 guys. It’s a step-dancey Broadway routine, which I was delighted to hear was set to Joe Jackson’s “Five Guys Named Moe.”

Now, we are about to witness a dance choreographed by Wade Robson for Chris Angel’s new show in Vegas called “Believe.” Let me tell you, if this number is any indication, I believe that his show will make you sh*t your pants with fear. It starts with a placard that says “Homage to all the rabbits who died in the hands of incompetent magicians.” So basically this is going to be a nightmare version of “Presto,” the Pixar short they showed at the beginning of Wall-E? The dancers are dressed up in freakish clowny bunny costumes, several of which made me feel like I had traveled into the future to see Donnie Darko! The Musical.

MORE RESULTS. It’s KATEE! I don’t think many people saw this coming. Now it’s down to Twitch and Joshua! Katee is crying and says “Thank you for making me grow.” Then, Cat says that they have a surprise for her. This year, the top girl will win a special prize: $50,000!!! That was awesome – Katee freaked out. The other great thing about this show is that when they show the reactions of the other contestants, they all seem genuinely happy for the others’ success. Awww.

Next we have a dance by a group of kids from The Debbie Allen Dance Academy. It’s adorable and these kids are really top notch tap dancers. Suddenly, an adult appears…it’s NIGEL! He’s a good tap dancer and like Mary, he wants to prove he’s still got the right stuff. Towards the end, it looks like Nigel trips up and messes up his steps, because he suddenly says “This is worse than the New York City subway!” Huh? Can’t tell if that was planned or not, or if he’s ever been on the subway before…because I’m not sure what about that dance routine was worse than ANYTHING on the New York City subway. I love how after Nigel’s performance, he gets feedback from the other judges (Adam says “I wouldn’t have put that banana through to Vegas!”) but Mary received no comments at all for her performance. Following this, we see Mary’s second choice: Twitch & Katee’s dance with the door.

Now it’s time for the musical performance we’ve been waiting our entire lives to hear: The Jonas Brothers. I don’t care that much for them (or the piercing high-pitched squealing coming from the audience), as they sound like a really watered down version of Maroon 5, which is like watering down water. Each Jonas brother has his own fabric accessory: scarf, bandanna strategically located beneath the bangs, and a bow tie. How stylish! But seriously, I get it. If I was 13, I’d absolutely LOVE these guys.

Next up we see Debbie’s pick for Twitch & Kherington’s Viennese Waltz to Celine Dion. Before the dance started though, Debbie attempts an impression of Little C, saying “the dedication of the dramatization of the creation of the preservation of the buckbuckbuck.” Which comes off more like a really great impression of Jesse Jackson. Nigel’s final pick is Katee & Joshua’s “No Air” hip-hop dance! YAY! I’m so glad to see this one again.

Finally, we have the worst time-filler of the entire show: checking in on dancers from past seasons. Though it was great to hear that many of them are doing well (touring with Janet, Mariah, Rihanna, producing shows and babies, judging for lesser-known countries’ SYTYCD shows, designing fashion, getting married), what followed was a giant mess of dancing on the stage. Cat described it as “specifically choreographed for tonight’s show,” but she should have said “specifically NOT choreographed” because this thing was chaotic. It was just a big circle with some dancing in the middle and people phoning that sh*t in. Then the top 20 joined in, and they all froze in various poses, doing that stupid “I’m breathing so hard right now” thing, which looked weirdly forced as the camera awkwardly cut to various groups of dancers.

AND NOW! FOR OUR RESULTS! Cat reminds us that a street dancer has never made it to the final two – now both are street dancers! And after 60 million votes, the winner has been decided.

AND IT IS………………….

JOSHUA!

The crowd goes wild, confetti explodes onto the stage, and Joshua’s mom goes into a religious fit. Joshua tries to give a speech, but you can’t hear him at first because some stupid-ass girls in the audience wouldn’t stop screaming (presumably because they love confetti SO MUCH). Finally, we hear Joshua, who is clearly overwhelmed in his sweet-natured way, saying, “Never let anybody tell you you can’t do something. With God, you can do anything.”

I have to admit, I’m inspired. And with God’s help, I’ll do something.

It’s been a pleasure (=horrific pain in my ass) to write up these recaps each week, twice a week. Next time I’ll be sure to pick a 30 minute show that comes on once a year. I keeeed, I keeed. I’m just trying to pretend I have a life.