August
Friday
As we mentioned this morning, David Duchovny has checked himself in to a rehab facility for his sex addiction. Now, I’m no expert in either addiction or sex, and I certainly don’t have the credentials of someone as experienced as, saaaaaay, Dr. Phil, but I think I’ve come up with the perfect 12 step plan for Duchovny to follow. If he spends exactly 1 week in a room alone with EACH of the following 12 people, in the EXACT order I have laid out here for him, he will be permanently cured. Warning: NSFYB (Not safe for your boner): just reading this post may lower your sex drive.
STEP 1
Bernann McKinney, The Dog Cloner / Misery-Style Man Napper
STEP 2
Madonna. There will be lots of sex, yes, but it will not be the kind Duchovny’s hoping for.
STEP 3
The Liver Fluke Monster from The X Files. I hear this guy really likes salad.
STEP 4
Rosie O’Donnell. She willl teach him how to write poems about his feelings.
STEP 5
They cancel each other out.
STEP 6
Everytime Duchovny thinks a sexual thought, Spagett will jump out and ruin his boner.
STEP 7
Part of the recovery process is finding ways to express your emotions – why not try songwriting with Pogues lead singer Shane McGowan?
STEP 8
The landlady from Kingpin. Does it smell like tuna in here?
STEP 9
Bobo and Lil’ Debbull from Nothing But Trouble
STEP 10
Pizza The Hut.
STEP 11
Tyra Banks.
STEP 12
FREE FLESH-COLORED MOUSTACHE RIDES!!!!
It will be a long 12 weeks, but isn’t getting your family back worth it, David Duchovny?
