In the wake of Dark Knight’s massive success Warner Bros. has announced that they are completely re-imagining the Superman franchise, ditching the campy Superman Returns path for a darker, grittier aesthetic. I’m not sure how one goes from the cheesy, plothole-ridden fail that was Superman Returns to “dark” and “gritty” in just a couple of years (Batman Begins mercifully gave us eight years to forget about Batman & Robin), but I suppose it’s worth a try.
Below is an EXCLUSIVE COPY of the script that I made up for the first installment of the darker, grittier Superman franchise, entitled The Dark Superknight Man (many Superman and Batman spoilers):
[INT. Barely-lit cabin of LEX LUTHOR'S yacht. LEX LUTHOR and KITTY KOWALSKI have JIMMY OLSEN tied to a chair, his face soaking wet with tears and sweat. LEX LUTHOR holds a knife to JIMMY OLSEN'S throat, the point indenting the skin of his neck.]
Any last words, Olsen?
JIMMY OLSEN
Please, for the love of God, don’t!
[LEX LUTHOR slices JIMMY OLSEN'S throat as OLSEN lets out a horrified scream, silenced abruptly as his windpipe is severed. Blood sprays on LEX LUTHOR'S freshly shined shoes]
There. Now no one will stop me when I try to take over the world by making green hybrid Kyptonite crystals grow into a big empty island that somehow also destroys the east coast then I can sell the land as real estate even though we’ve already established in this film that I am already beyond wealthy! Behold my evil, sensible motivation!
[SUPERMAN and SUPERMAN'S SON bust through the ceiling]
Hold it right there, Luthor! I’ve come to stop you along with my son, who was born from a one-night stand with Lois Lane and he’s a complete awkward nerd with respiratory problems but he also has crazy Superman powers ONE TIME in the entire movie, completely out of nowhere and it’s never revisited nor explained why he didn’t have those powers before or after that one instance or how he knew he had them!
[KITTY KOWALSKI charges at Superman, but SUPERMAN'S SON quickly grabs a sawed-off metal pipe and sticks it out in front of his father. KITTY impales herself on the pipe, spraying blood and entrails in all directions.]
You were always telling me to pipe down!
LEX LUTHOR
No, I was always telling you to ’shut up.’
[KITTY keels over dead. Her head hits a marble coffee table on the way down and her skull audibly cracks.]
You know, Luthor, shoddy plumbing in a household can be extremely dangerous.
LEX LUTHOR
Ahhh Superman. I knew you’d come. Unfortunately, this entire yacht is made out of Kryptonite, thus preventing you from killing me immediately because you basically have godlike powers and I’m a bald dude in a suit who’s kind of smart. Hold on one second.
[LEX LUTHOR pulls out a remote detonator and presses the button. Cut to a building complex that is a combination orphanage/old folks home. The building explodes loudly. Screams of children, most of whom never have nor will ever know their parents, as they are burned alive. Close-up on the body of an old lady, which flies from the roof and splatters on the street before burning to ashes]
What was I saying? Oh yeah. I’m gonna make it so the big metal Globe outside the Daily Planet where you work rolls around and crushes a bunch of stuff!
SUPERMAN
No you won’t because I’m in love with Lois Lane!
[SUPERMAN grapples with LEX LUTHOR. LEX pulls out a shard of Kryptonite, but before he can stick it into SUPERMAN'S thigh, SUPERMAN gouges LUTHOR'S left eye with his thumb. Blood and puss spray onto SUPERMAN'S thumb as LUTHOR, shrieking in pain, falls back, convulsing, and passes out from shock.]
Don’t forget to have your eyes examined regularly!
SUPERMAN’S SON
Now you’re the villain, dad!
[Cops burst into the yacht, shooting at SUPERMAN. SUPERMAN runs off into the night]
I was a hero but now I’m a villain. What an unprecedented turn of events in superhero film history! It is my burden, my curse, my responsibility. To be… The DARK SUPER KNIGHT. Man.
[Credits]
