Listen, I hate to be unpatriotic while the Most Deeply Important Cultural Event In History is currently going down over in Beijing, and I readily concede that Michael Phelps is probably the greatest Olympic athlete of all time, whose physical achievements aren’t even fathomable to an aging, out-of-shape blogger such as myself, but after carefully reviewing extensive photographic evidence of what he looks like when he’s wearing street clothes instead of Speedos, I have to at least ask the question: “Is Michael Phelps a douche?” Before expressing your outrage over this seemingly premature Blagglash, at least allow me to present the following evidence for your consideration:

Exhibit A:

Noted Characteristics: Cocked baseball cap with giant designer logo, presence at inane red carpet event, general aura of doucheyness. Is this a world-class superstar athlete on the receiving end of untold millions in sponsor money, or some dude who works at your local Abercrombie?

Douchedar Rating: 7.2

Exhibit B:

Noted Characteristics: Happily appearing on TRL; lifting shirt to display abs, sagged Diesel jeans, Calvin Kleins and what appears to be an American Eagle belt; pandering to Vanessa Minnillo or whoever that is hosting TRL these days.

Douchedar Rating: 8.5

I present the rest of my case, after the jump!

Exhibit C:

Noted Characteristics: Another cocked baseball cap, this time accessorized with a track jacket; beginning to look like a character from The Sopranos who got whacked in the 3rd season.

Douchedar Rating: 5.9

Exhibit D:

Noted Characteristics: Some kind of terrible Urban Outfitters shirt with a blazer and jeans. I’m expecting a terrible stand-up act to commence any moment.

Douchedar Rating: 7.0

Exhibit E:

Noted Characteristics: Hanging out with that guy.

Douchedar Rating: 9.1

Exhibit F:

Noted Characteristics: Again with the cocked hat; misguided facial hair; liking the Pistons.

Douchedar Rating: 4.8

Exhibit G:

Noted Characteristics: Sitting next to Vogue editrix Anna Wintour; wearing cargo shorts, a T-shirt and another freaking cocked baseball hat while sitting next to Vogue editrix Anna Wintour.

Douchedar Rating: 9.4

Exhibit H:

Noted Characteristics: Everyone knows that bling is for rappers and douchey white people.

Douchedar Rating: 3.6

UPDATE!

Exhibit H (The Debate Settler, via Guest Of A Guest, via Gawker):

Noted Characteristics: Everything – literally everything – about this screams “Douche Vader!”

Douchedar Rating: 11.0

(images via Getty)