Nathan Lane is releasing a lip plumping machine called “Lane’s Pillow Lips,” and there is nothing I can add to this story to improve upon it:

Nathan Lane, the Tony- and Emmy Award-winning American actor of the stage and screen, announced plans today to create and market a new line of lip plumpers called “Pillow Lips” that promise to boost lip volume up to 40 percent, reduce wrinkles and line appearance up to 30 percent and improve hydration up to 60 percent.

Among others, actress Jodie Foster is expected to provide funding for the project.

“Some of my friends on that set were complaining that their lip plumpers were causing a burning sensation, while others complained of lip plumping products with an overpowering smell,” recalls Lane. “Some products worked unevenly, inflating the lower lip but not the upper lip.”

I feel like this can’t be real — the article does show up on Google News and Lane himself is ‘quoted,’ but it’s also completely ridiculous — so at the risk of taking sides, here’s an Artist’s Conception of Nathan “Puffy” Lane, circa 2015:

(via MCC)