August
Thursday
Julia Child was a spy! According to documents just released by the National Archives, Julia Child worked for the OSS (Office of Strategic Services) before becoming a TV chef. This might seem shocking to a lot of people, but it doesn’t surprise me at all. Though Julia Child only ended up doing clerical work (SUPER SECRET CLERICAL WORK!), it makes sense that the personality of a great chef is also suited to being a spy. Chefs are perfect candidates for spy work. They travel the world, can infiltrate into the deepest chambers of foreign governments under the guise of cooking, and are good with knives. Though the government would like us to think that the heyday of spying is long gone, I’m SURE they are looking for some new folks to carry out some covert operations. Might I suggest a few?
EMERIL LAGASSE
If his cover is blown, Emeril is proficient in 14 different methods of killing a man with his bare hands. Once his victim is down, he sprinkles some of his Essence on them, yells “BAM!”, and disappears without a trace.
PAULA DEEN
She’ll charm our enemies with a smile and a Krispy Kreme bacon cheeseburger. She’ll laugh effortlessly as she pours them shot after shot of clarified butter – and, then, in an explosion of laughter and gluttony, they’ll look around and wonder where that nice Southern lady went. They’ll have no idea she slipped out the backdoor with their nuclear weapon codes.
GORDON RAMSAY
Chef Ramsey may seem like a loose cannon. But what you don’t realize is that, while he’s screaming obscenities 2 inches from your face and calling you a donkey, he’s nonchalantly lifting classified documents off your desk and slipping them into his pocket.
MORIMOTO
I think the picture says it all. This guy is a badass.
TOM COLICCHIO
Top Chef? More like Top Secret! HEYO! Nothing gets past this hardass.
ALTON BROWN
This is a no-brainer. Alton Brown is the MacGyver of cooking. He understands science.
He’ll easily design a supersonic spy jetpack for himself using nothing but egg proteins and yeast bubbles.
BOBBY FLAY
You can call on Bobby in a pinch. He’ll use special “interrogation” techniques using his grill.
No questions asked. They don’t call him “Guantanamo Flay” for nothing.
RACHAEL RAY
She may be annoying as f*ck but I’m sure
Rachael will think of some way to gain our enemies’ trust.
ROCCO DISPIRITO
Nobody will ever suspect a thing because they’ll assume he’s mentally retarded!
ANTHONY BOURDAIN
First of all, there’s no proof that Anthony Bourdain isn’t already a spy for the U.S. government. Every move he makes is pretty spy-like already. Cool exterior, a natural with the locals, easily gaining people’s trust but always on his toes. And lest we forget, HE ATE THE STILL-BEATING HEART OF A COBRA.
