July
Wednesday
(heavy breathing) Who is this woman? Why are her hands on my 7 pound nads? (pause) Do you have any cake?
Oh god, I’m exhausted. I’ll just ease myself downnnn (grunting) there, take a quick nap, store up some energy for later. I am nackered. (Yaaaaawn) (Mouth smacking) (Drifting…) Do you have any (yawwwn) caaakeeee? (Sleep)
Hey. Hey!! Look at me when I’m talking to you, you f**k. Yeah, here! Where do they keep the f**king cake around here? I’m f**king — hello? I swear to God, I will come over there. I will — don’t you walk away from me! (struggling to stand) I’m gonna! — (collapsing) I am so f**king hungryyyy… is no one listening?!?!?
Lend a hand to an old friend? Perhaps you have a spare Segway laying around? I’ve got problems with my knees. (Pause) Ok, keep laughing, I get it. Cat knees is funny to you. You’re not gonna help me now? Yeah? Well f**k you pal.
You know the only thing that would be more satisfying than cooling my balls and huge orange tail on this here floor? Doing it while burying my face in some cake.
WHAT THE F**K IS THA– Oh! Oh, hahaha! That’s my f**kin’ tail! (Cat paw across small forehead) Phew! I thought Ron Howard was about to violate me or something. Haha. (Mouth smacking) You know what I could really go for right now? Some falafel and hummus. On top of a huge cake. You got any of that? Of course you don’t. Because you are useless.
I could use some help over here, you little sh*t.
Man, would you look at that sunset? That thing is beautiful. You know what it really puts me in the mood for? Taking a quick dip in a pool… of icing. Anyone see my insulin needles? I am so full of diabetes.
FAT CAT: NO WEIGH! PORKY IS 44 LBS. via The NY Post
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