July
Friday
…All taken from the same movie. The movie known as Johnny Mnemonic.
On a hunch, I rented this 1995 film starring Keanu Reeves, the inimitable Ice-T, some random woman who was never in anything else, Henry Rollins, and, most importantly, star of He-Man Dolph Lundgren. But it wasn’t the stellar cast that drew me into renting this film. Rather, the thrilling plot. Johnny M is a guy with an internal memory of, wait for it, 80 whole gigabytes, who somehow uploads something insane, like 300 gigs of data, into his brain. And — you guessed it — the added memory could make his brain explode. Anywho, the Yakuza wants what’s in his head, and they hire a goon — Dolph Lundren — to find our beloved Johnny, kill him, and steal his brain. But if only Johnny had the password to download the memory himself! That’s where Ice-T comes in. He’s the head of the “Lo-Teks”, or “The Goth Gang.” He tells Johnny that he knows just the guy who can untangle all that “information” he’s got bottled up inside, a guy by the name of Jones.
That’s about all you need to know to enjoy the following presentation: The 50 Most Ridiculous Moments in Cinematic History. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS WHAT THE FUTURE LOOKS LIKE.
1.
Here’s Johnny.
2.
And, of course, Dolph Lundgren as Jesus.
After the cut, the emotional rollercoaster of 1995’s best worst movie continues.
3.
Here’s the scene where they went to The Viper Room.
4.
Ice-T, with hair that is anything but “Lo-Tek”
5.
Some sad news: Apparently, in 2021, the “Internet” is going to look like a Dire Straits video.
6.
The future’s resident fierce tranny.
7.
Here’s Keanu trying to escape the Yakuza by dressing up like Yoko Ono.
8.
Remember Jones? The guy that could crack all the codes? HE’S A F**KING DOLPHIN. Or, to quote Keanu, “He’s a fish?”
9.
Overacting Goons.
10.
OMFG. This guy is the BEST. You might remember him as the mansion owner in Ace Ventura. Whatever happened to Udo Kier?
11.
The props, courtesy of your “Broken Atari Game Console”
12.
Again, these are not stills from Passion of the Christ. THIS IS DOLPH LUNDGREN.
13.
Oh Hai Henry Rollins!
14.
Moving along…
15.
SPOILER ALERT: In 2021, humans have this horrible disease, evidenced by this woman passing out. Of course, the cure is bottled up inside Johnny’s brain.
16.
A little light bondage with your breakfast, sir?
17.
This guy again…
18.
The very same face he makes when Coco breaks wind.
19.
Get it? He’s a genius. Ice-T is skeptical:
20.
21.
OH! THE FUTURE ALSO HAS AMAZING LASER LASSOS.
22.
And other futurey things.
23.
Angelina Jolie, this could have been you.
24.
Never Forget.
25.
BEHOLD: THE FUTURE. 8-BIT GRAPHICS!
26.
Now would be a good time to point out that Jones, the code-breaking dolphin, was played by the same animatronic puppet the entire film. And he basically had only one expression: Super Psyched. Didn’t matter what was happening, this dolphin was grinning ear to ear. Above, an example.
27.
Seriously, you kill Udo, you kill the best actor in this movie.
28.
Tuckin Frenzy!
29.
Oh dear God no, the laser lassos!!
30.
They’ve cut Udo in half. Literal :”(
31.
Nothing unusual here….
32.
My new wallpaper
33.
34.
My new wallpaper, part 2. My laptop actually started sparking when this scene happened, that is how electric it is.
35.
Don’t you understand? HIS BRAIN IS FULL OF MEMORY PEOPLE!
36.
And it hurts
37.
Cigarette?
38.
Loving Life.
39.
Busting a capillary in his ass.
40.
A proud graduate of Token Asian University.
41.
Now, round 2 of our favorite gameshow “What’s Dolph Smashing?”!!!
42.
Answer: A cryogenically frozen hand.
43.
R.I.P. Udo Kier: Minute 00:16 – 00:58
44.
Someone’s feeling ~emotional~
45.
At least 18 of you are really turned on right now.
46.
No no no, don’t speak. Don’t speak!
47.
Bad News: You will still be using AT&T calling cards in 13 years.
48.
The pre-reach.
49.
Too… many… screenshots….
50.
Goodnight everyone.
I can’t wait to watch this movie in 2021 and re-laugh my ass off. Rent it today.
