Dear Gawker.com,
Earlier today you posted a take-down hit piece, aimed at one Shia LaBeouf, entitled “Why Is Shia LaBeouf So Terribly Over-Hyped?”, filed under the tag “Things We Don’t Get”. Well get this, Gawker – the only thing terribly over-hyped is how stupid you are for failing to recognize the unparalleled magnificence of His Royal Beefness.
YOU SAY:
“What’s going on? Isn’t he bland and uninteresting at best and a smartass punk at worst? Why is he getting this big push, all of these ringing endorsements?”
I SAY:
What, are you blind!?! He’s the MOTHERF*CKING LABEOUF!!! There’s some part of his rugged-yet-sensitive-yet-deadly-yet-adorable facade that you do not find compelling? Sure he might not be quite as intriguing as some 3rd rate painted-up fame-whoring reality-star-in-waiting whose name you simply cannot restrain yourselves from typing over and over no matter how much you hate yourselves for doing so, but come on, his last name is French for “The Beef”, and he has appealing hair!
Read the rest, after the jump!
YOU SAY:
“There are other young actors who, in our opinion (and, it would seem, in critics’) the industry should be heralding, but inexplicably aren’t. Where are the covers for Joseph Gordon-Levitt, so beguiling in films like Brick and The Lookout?”
I SAY:
I’ll tell you where those covers are – on the front of Indie Wuss Weekly, a publication whose pages someone as cool and tough as The Beef would never stoop to appearing in. Just try calling out “The Motherf*cking Gordon-Levitt!” while flexing – it doesn’t work.
YOU SAY:
His Indiana Jones role was clearly tailored deliberately to his wise-cracking, broad appeal (he’s funny for the guys, comfortably cute for the girls!) It felt like an advertisement for some abstract, irritating product. And we’re pretty damn sick of it.
I SAY:
Of course it was tailored to The Beef, because George Lucas and Steven Spielberg are goddamned geniuses! Did you guys ever make Jaws or Attack of the Clones on your blog!?! No, you didn’t, so in the words of Clint Eastwood, shut your face. Also, perhaps you missed the part in Indiana Jones and the Motherf*cking LaBeouf when the iconic Indy hat was so poignantly swept by the wind down the aisle of that church, finally falling to rest at the altar of LaBeouf, where it rightly belongs. Hollywood knows what we want, which is why they’re gonna keep giving us The Beef, served up in big meaty roles, from now until he dies or goes crazy like Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson – and you should be grateful for that.
It’s a Beef Planet, you just live on it.
Sincerely,
Alex Blagg
PS. The video below will more eloquently illustrate everything you need to know about The LaBeouf.
