Seriously, people, let’s send Mary Kate & Ashley human hair in the mail for their birthdays! Just imagine the following plausible scenario…

ASHLEY: Bad news, Mary Kate. We just got an envelope with human hair in it.

MARY KATE: Oh man, I don’t want to wear that person’s hair!

ASHLEY: It gets worse.

MARY KATE: How could it be any worse?

ASHLEY: There’s a note. I don’t think you want to know what it says.

MARY KATE: Tell me what it says.

ASHLEY: I don’t think you can handle it.

MARY KATE: I’m ready — just, tell me what it says.

ASHLEY: It says, “Please, use my hair instead of the animals’. Happy Birthday.”

MARY KATE: Ohhhhhh nooooooo!!!!! It is our birthday, too, so that part is accurate! [SOBS]

ASHLEY: I tried to warn you.

MARY KATE: This is worse than when they told people to call us the Trollsen Twins!

ASHLEY: Also, we received three more envelopes with hair and identical notes.

MARY KATE: NOOOOOOOoooooOOOOOO!!!!!!

[MARY KATE and ASHLEY both immediately convert to veganism, film an Oscar-winning sequel to "An Inconvenient Truth," and nurse to health ten wounded animals per piece of fur they own. PETA moves on to extract publicity from another easy, highly-visible target.]