Last night, BWE.tv caught a screening of the highly anticipated Sex and the City movie. The plot points of the film have been under tight wraps for the past few months, but seeing as many of you psycho fans are on standing on the edge of your Louboutins waiting to see it, we figured we’d give you 10 SATC “Spoilers” That Won’t Really Spoil The Movie at All. So, Fake Spoiler Alert? Here we go:
10. Samantha Wardrobe Was Borrowed from the Smithsonian’s “Hollywood Montrose” Collection. Looks like somebody held onto the wardrobe from back in her Mannequin days… For a lady whose been alive for 51 years, Kim Cattrall looks absolutely unbelievable. Which is why we don’t understand the motivation behind many of the wardrobe choices. We’re talking bright yellow blazers with “wacky” buttons and GIGANTIC shoulder pads, satin shirts that are reminiscent of the top Denise made Theo on that classic Cosby Show ep, for God’s sake: SHE WEARS TURQUOISE METAL SUNGLASSES. And considering Meshach Taylor‘s classic character was based off of Vogue legend Andre Leon Tally, who makes an appearance in the movie… well, let’s just say this is less of a conspiracy theory and more of an insanely factual one.
9. Mr. Big F**ks Up. Guess what? Big f**ks something up! Mmmmmmduh.
8. Carrie Looks Fantastic. Poor Sarah Jessica Parker. Late last year, the pig-faces at Maxim Magazine voted her the Unsexiest Woman Alive. Keep this lil’ tidbit in mind as you watch her traipse around New York looking fan-f**king-tastic, in some of the most drop-dead gorgeous outfits ever created. The Devil Wears Prada has nothing on the clothes in this movie. And throughout most of it, Sarah Jess radiates beauty. How this lil’ 5’4″ lady manages to carry off these looks like a high fashion model deserves a lot of credit.
7. (Sung to the Superman Theme Song) Pun Pun Puns! Pun-Pun-Pun-Pun Puns! Pun-Pun-Pun Pun-Pun Puns! Puns Puns Puns Puns Pun-Puns! Pun Pun Pun Punnnnns Puns! Pun Pun Pun Punnnnns Puns! Pun Pun Pun Pun Pun Pun Puns! Pun Pun Pun Pun Pun Punnnnnns!
6. Manolo Blahniks Are Involved. You know how you can tell if a pair of shoes are worth $525? When they help move the plot of your big budget movie along smoothly.
5. Steve Is Still Hot. If most American women were given the choice of their favorite SATC guy, we’re guessing the majority of them would go with Mr. Big: Tall, rich, polished, suave. He looks like he could really hit a lady… but in a sexy way. But, to us, Mr. Big always kind of brought to mind Sam the Eagle from The Muppet Show. We much prefer the blue-collar stylings of Steve, Miranda’s poor hubby who will never be as smart or as rich as his big shot lawyer wife. But you know what? Goddamn, he is fine. Thank you, Michael Patrick King, for giving him not one, but two pantsless scenes.
The Top 4 Fake Spoilers Continue After the Jump.
4. The Characters Live Up To Their Stereotypes. While Miranda looks fantastic for most of the film (they all do, really), it’s almost like they figured out a way to airbrush “Anal Lips” onto her face… you know, those little lip wrinkles that can age a woman 10 years? So yes, spoiler: Miranda is anal, Charlotte is more adorably anal, Carrie is kind of yeah, a little bit anal, and Samantha loves anal.
3. Jennifer Hudson Reprises Her Role As Effie in Dreamgirls We were really excited to check out Jennifer Hudson’s first big role after her Oscar win for one of our fave films ever, Dreamgirls. Here was her chance to finally prove her range! Her range….”!”? From the moment J-Hud walks on screen, it’s like watching her audition for Dreamgirls 2: Effie Gets Laid Again. We didn’t realize that when she sang “And I am telling you, I’m not going”, she really, very seriously, meant it.
2. It Is WAYYYYYY Too Long. Clocking in a 2.5 hours , SATC is like the Malcolm X of chick flicks. The only difference being…
1. Nobody Dies. The big spoiler revealed earlier this year was that somebody was kicking the eternal bucket of life in the film. We are here to tell you: No. Just no. Nobody dies. Not even an animal. Not a dog. Or an ant. Seriously, nobody steps on an ant. EVERYONE LIVES!!! We know, we know… we just spoiled the fun of waiting for Miranda to get hit by a cab. Our apologies.
Fake spoilers aside: We actually enjoyed the movie! If you have a vagina or a mangina, check it out!
