Unless you’re lucky enough to be living in a big media void where you haven’t spent the last month or so being assaulted on all fronts by big pink reminders of the imminent return of Carrie Bradshaw and her gang of estrogen-fueled friends, you probably know that the Sex and the City movie arrives in multiplexes this weekend, and you might even have already made plans to go see it. To better prepare you for this endeavor, I have prepared the following Field Guide cataloging the different species of people one can expect to encounter at opening-weekend screenings of the movie:

The Deluded Women Who Believe SatC Wasn’t Just A TV Show, But A Sacred Guide On How To Live

Identifying Characteristics: These girls (also known as “Scary Sadshaws”) can be most easily identified by their serious, solemn demeanor leading up to and during the screening of the movie. Meticulously put together, wearing only the latest fashions from the pages of their beloved fashion magazines, these poor things truly believe in their hearts that they can become Carrie Bradshaw if their parents just give them enough money to move to Manhattan, where they will spend all their time going out in the Meatpacking District with rich douchebags just trying to get laid, clothes shopping for said dates, and gabbing about it over brunch the next day with other girls who secretly hate them. All of this is comprehensively recorded on their sh*tty blog that no one reads except their friends back home (at least until Gawker makes fun of them, which results in a book deal for said sh*tty blog).

Anticipated Behavior: Be careful, because these girls take this sh*t about as seriously as genocide, and will not hesitate to shush anyone who dares talk during the movie. In fact, if you continue to make the mistake of sipping your drink too loudly, they may not even offer a second warning before clawing your eyes out while shrieking “This is my DREAM!”

The Girlfriends Who Think Their Lives Are Just Like SatC Even Though They Couldn’t Be Less Similar

Identifying Characteristics: They travel only in packs of four, giggle incessantly, and have stuffed themselves into ill-fitting SatC “costumes” that wouldn’t be flattering or appropriate even if they were ten years younger.

Anticipated Behavior: They will likely spend the majority of the movie sucking down pink drink-tinis they snuck into the theater in an emptied-out Franzia bag while laughing too loudly and constantly saying stuff like, “Oh my god that’s totally YOU, Joan!”

Read the rest, after the jump!

The Quiet Lonely Girl Who Keeps Crying

Identifying Characteristics: She’s alone, in a corner, wearing frumpy clothes and an aura of vague hopelessness and despair.

Anticipated Behavior: Soon after the buttered popcorn and Milk Duds run out, it’s just crying. Lots and Lots of crying.

The Sassy Gay Guys Who Are Just There For The Clothes and the Men

Identifying Characteristics: Um, they’re sassy gay guys. You’ll know which ones they are.

Anticipated Behavior: Throughout the movie they will hiss incredibly creative insults about how dreadful the clothes are, which will be met with hushed approval and further whispered ridicule from their friends. Whenever an attractive male actor (usually that dude Samantha’s dating) appears on the screen, they’ll crack each other up with the colorful things they’d like to do that person (except, ironically, for the gay characters, who they invariable despise).

The Boyfriends Who Have Been Dragged to the Theater By Their Girlfriends, Against Their Will

Identifying Characteristics: There will probably be sports jerseys, hats covering hair loss, visible discomfort with their surroundings, and the look of a man who has been defeated, but hopes to be laid very soon.

Anticipated Behavior: Lots of pronounced sighing, snoring, groaning, eye-rolling, and disapproving glances towards the gay guys.

The Boyfriends Who Have Been Dragged To Theater By Their Girlfriends, and Are Secretly Happy To Be There

Identifying Characteristics: Clean-shaven with good haircuts, shirts tucked neatly into khaki pants, constant smiles and a general demeanor of strict obedience to the woman they’re with.

Anticipated Behavior: Laughing, cheering, sighing, snuggling, and lots of longing glances towards the gay guys.