When word was announced a few weeks ago that Hollywood Mega-Couple Al Reynolds and “House Hunters” Host Star Jones were getting a divorce, the collective world sat down in a corner and began violently rocking itself back and forth, as its entire definition of “loving relationships” had been shaken to its very core. So what was the problem? Where did true love go wrong?

Well, perhaps we’re literally putting the “ass” in “assume”… but is it possible Star got too thin for the cushion-pushin’ Reynolds? When Al and Star first began their whirlwind romance, Star was… a heftier gal. (Picture the dead whale stuck beneath the San Fran pier.) But a top secret gastric bypass surgery had Ms. Jones literally melting before our very eyes, leaving her with a basic human skeleton, some skin, and basketball eyes. It seems flesh-loving Al was looking for greener asstures, as documented by this item in today’s NY Post:

FRESH off his split from Star Jones, Al Reynolds is back on the town. He hit club Home late last week with a new buxom lady friend, where he was drinking and dancing till the wee hours. “He was at the bar with her. She was a pretty big girl,” said a cocktail waitress at the club. “They were dancing to hip-hop and bobbing their heads. He had on a white button-down [shirt], open with a diamond necklace hanging out. And he was drinking all night with his pinky in the air.”

Has anyone ever used the term Hefterosexuals, referring to “Chubby Chasers”? Well, consider us the first. Which means that, yes, Al Reynolds is totally Heftero.

By the way, the item ends with this absolute doozy of an image:

Also there was Sean Combs, who, oddly, sat in a corner reading a book.

It had to be this, right?