Neil Diamond has always had a special place in my heart, namely because he is responsible for some of the most classic American soft rock songs ever created. Walk into any drunken beer hall in Austria or Germany, and you’ll find throngs of red-faced frat boys rocking side-to-side, steins high in the air, singing “Sweet Caroline” in strangely perfect harmony — the essence of American inebriation. Also, Neil very much resembles my father, so much so that as a little girl seeing Diamond perform on television, I was convinced my soft-spoken father Mel led a double-life as some sort of famous sequined solo singer. So when I learned that he would be the special guest mentor on this week’s American Idol, I was enthused.
Sadly, the enthusiasm wore off about half-way through the show, when it became clear that the “Neil Diamond” episode of AI would rank as one of the worst yet. Forget the fact that only two of the singers are actually talented — David Cook and Syesha (sorry Archuleta fans, his spittle act has worn thin) — but more bothersome than the offensive lack of talent was that the songs were literal death lullabies. Even those songs that were recognizable were basically strangled on stage by a group of kids, most of whom are too young to even know about the Legend of Neil.
Why Diamond was even on the show, especially following last week’s older-skewing Andrew Lloyd Webber episode, is confusing. But even more confusing are many of the unrecognizable song choices made by the contestants. Where was “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers”? David Cook’s “Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon”? “Cherry, Cherry”?!?!
But trying to remain positive about things, I decided to compile a list of 6 Singers that Would Make Worse Mentors Than Neil Diamond on last night’s American Idol (In Other Words: Count Your Blessings):
6. Paula Abdul. It seems weird that Paula Abdul herself has never taken to mentoring those sweet, little, innocent Idol contestants. Perhaps the fact that she’s an animatronic dead timetraveling robot has something to do with it. And if you missed last night’s eppy, this video clip is all you really need to know about: Paula commenting on the contestants after the first round of songs, but somehow having critiques of both of their songs…:
Video of said incident and the rest of my list after the jump.
I’m still not entirely sure that AI isn’t some grand front for the most expensive episode of A&E’s Intervention ever.
5. Riskay. Most inappropriate song sung on national television ever? Or a stern warning from Seacrest to Cowell? To be fair, Riskay’s Idol mentoring would actually lead to one of the best American Idol episodes ever, thanks in large part to her hit song, “Smell Yo D*ck.” (NSFWWWW)
4. Rammstein. Nothing says underaged public aneurysm like bringing the soft sounds of German Industrial Music to the U.S. small screen. If you thought David Archuleta’s “America” was cheesy last night, imagine him Jon Secada-ing up the Rammstein version!
3. Rednex. Imagine an episode where one-hit wonder band Rednex had to mentor. Yes, folks, with only one-hit, you’re talking of at least 4 to 7 varied renditions of “Cotton-Eyed Joe.”
That just ain’t right. We’d take Eiffel 65 over this. Though we wouldn’t mind seeing D. Cook morph it into some sort of Creed-like rock song, that’s for sure.
2. Bob Dylan. Move over, Kevorkian Machine, we’ve got a new suicide inducer in town. Wouldn’t it be great to watch these 17 year olds mumble their way through songs whose meanings are completely lost on them? And think about it. For the first time, Paula Abdul would sound articulate in comparison. Do it for Paula, AI producers.
1. The Dutch Pedophile.
The episode would probably be the most entertaining one ever. But at what cost, David Archuleta’s innocence and virginity? At what cost??
