3:56 PM: The entire office is gearing up for what will be something incredible: Thomas Beattie, an Oregonian woman to man transgender, has gotten himself impregnated… thereby becoming The Pregnant Transman. Judging by the preview, this show is going to be literally a hot tranny mess. Stay tuned.

4:00: Oprah has kicked off with the most dramatic music ever. Thomas owns a beautiful home, runs a small business… and is a Pregnant Transman. The faces in the audience are puzzled… and delighted:

4:02: Pregnant Transman enters the stage, wearing a pretty snazzy maternity cardy!

4:03: Audience? Less delighted, more confused:

4:03: Yikes, things have taken a turn for the serious. Thomas’ mother committed suicide when he (she at the time) was 12. Let’s take a minute of solemn silence, and admire what an adorable little girl Thomas used to be. She’s got good half-Asian genes! And I don’t mean Uniqlo…

4:05: For the record, Pregnant T-Man is a bit of a “high talker”.

4:06: Holy sh*t. PP TMan competed in Miss Hawaii!! Check out that fringe!

4:06: So when Thomas was in her 20s, she got a black belt in karate, meaning Pregnant Transman could kick my ass (once he gives birth). Now he’s talking about experimenting with “ladyfriends” (and I mean lesbians) in college, before the change, pregnancy, etc… ps Thomas looks almost exactly like his wife Nancy.

4:10: So get this: The neighbors don’t know that Thomas is pregnant, and think wife Nancy is. In the words of Stephanie Tanner… “How Rude!” They clearly think Pregnant T-Man is a beer gutted alkie who won’t be able to take care of that baby.

After the jump, the liveblog continues… click and keep refreshing for updates!!

4:11: Cute wife nickname: Pregnant Trans-Ma’am? No? OK.

4:13: OK, now we’re talking about “the change”. She was masculine, preferred wearing clothes that were comfortable. Was told she wasn’t feminine enough. Then… people started calling her “Sir”. Well, that’s polite. Now Oprah’s all “Why the testosty, Pregnant Transman?” He’s saying that “Sexuality is different from who you are inside.” It’s sweet, but how the hell is that baby gonna breastfeed, y’all? It ain’t right!

4:15: OMG They removed her nipples, reshaped them, and regrafted them. People, they can your nipples off, reshape them, and put them back on! I’m gonna have mine turned into Stars of Davids I think.

4:17: Pregnant Transman also states that she didn’t take out her reproducties so that he could one day have children. That makes perfectly good sense to us. I bet the salesclerk at the local Duane Reade rolls his eyes every Pregnant T-Man rolls in to buy Tampax. He’s like “Wife on the rag again?” Wink-Wink. Guess you probably have a pretty good sense of humor when you’re a Pregnant Transman.

4:18: Is wife Nancy actually a bizarro Suze Orman? Check out those locks!

4:18: The hormones he was taking turned her box into a pole. BOX TO A POLE!!! That’s incredible. You really haven’t lived until you’ve heard this exchange:

Oprah: Does the clitoris get larger?
Pregnant Transman: It does. And it looks like a penis. It looks like a small penis. Does size matter?
(Audience dies laughing. Tension is eased.)
Oprah: Well, to some people.

4:23: Quote of the show so far: “I’m a man. I just happen to be a pregnant man.” You said it, sister.

4:23: OK, you guys, I’m not even joking. But when Pregnant Transman covers his face up.. I’m pretty sure I’ve dated this guy:

I called him “Pabst Blue Ribbon Charlie.” And I miss him.

4:24: Happy Homecoming!!!

4:25: OK, everyone relax for a second: They’re getting into some serious stuff. Alls I know is, the word Fallopian Tubes has been said one too many times. Her pappy, uncomfortable with his new son, still calls him Tracy. Pappy has trouble seeing his daughter in this new light, even though Pregnant Transman has the kind of beard one might venture to call “burly”.

4:30: Pay very close attention Diablo Cody… this is your next big hit right here!!

JuuuuuuuuuknowwhatImean?

4:32: Thomas’ doctor, Kimberly James, is now on via Skype. We’re kind of waiting for the twist where Oprah says to the doc, “Is it strange working with the Pregnant Transman?” and then the doctor says “No… because I am one.”

“I’m not just the President of the Pregnant Transman club… I’m also a client.”

4:37: It just occurred to me… who is the father of Pregnant Transman’s baby?!? They mention a donor, but nothing more.

4:37: And oh my word… Oprah just asked if they used a turkey baster!!! Insert Thanksgiving joke anywhere but there.

4:38: OK, this I have to transcribe. This is the Pregnant Transman bombshell, courtesy of wife Nancy, regarding how they impregnated Thomas:

Nancy: So I went to the vet, because we have some birds at home. And we asked for a syringe, without a needle (Ed. Note: Thank God.). And they gave us one. And we got a container of sperm (Ed. Note: From Whole Foods, I’m guessing.) It’s not that big.

Oprah: I didn’t think you needed that much… (laughter) So it’s just a little container.

Nancy: Right.

Pregnant Transman: It’s a very delicate procedure. It can’t be exposed to air for too long. This “stuff”, it’s not cheap. (Ed. Note: I beg to differ.)

Please note: They never said the word sperm… just “stuff”. Sorta strange.

4:40: Nancy has two daughters from a previous marriage, one who looks exactly like China Beach’s Dana Delaney. The daughters seem painfully cool with it. Oh, wait, never mind: One daughter admits to possibly being jealous of their little daughter growing up with Nancy and Transman. I don’t know if “jealous” is the word I’d use.

4:44: As the man of the house, Pregnant Transman is putting the crib together. Nancy suggests that a lot of women wished their husbands would get pregnant. Oprah concurs. Now the neighbors are on, via Skype.

4:45: Meet Pregnant Transman’s neighbors: Kevin Nealon and wife.

Sorry, I mean Barry Gibb.

4:46: The neighbors are awesome! Kevin Nealon states that he had no idea Thomas used be a woman… and just thought he was a sensitive man. Note to fake Kevin Nealon: Most sensitive men are also Pregnant Transmans. It’s on the SAT’s, look it up!

4:47: The neighbors are now discussing the media. Now, Kevin Nealon used the term “Sexually Dyslexic”, which is also a good description of Box Office Goldman Tom Cruise.

4:52: The show is winding down, and they’re grasping for things to discuss. Oprah asks how they plan on handling the news media. These two just want to have the baby, and give People Magazine their story their way (for millions, we guess). And surprise: Pregnant Transman is writing a book! And the Oprah takes the opportunity to bring her up her Book Club Pick o’ the Month: A New Earth. She’s blathering now. Spiraling, even. My officemate just exclaimed “Whatchoo Talkin’ Bout Ope?!” Indeed.

4:53: You know, in the end, they have a very loving family.

And then People Magazine has to go and ruin everything with a fake Ebay logo:

On newsstands now!

4:58: That’s it, everyone! Thanks to you, thanks to Oprah, and most of all… Thank you Pregnant Transman. Best of luck with your new baby, guy!