4:00: The Best Guests on Oprah kicks off. In typical fashion, Oprah arrives on stage wearing a crown and trannified magic wang. OK, that was a typo, it’s a wand, but wouldn’t a magic wang be fabulous?

4:02: First off: Oprah is reliving the tale of the Fabulous Fannie, who raised three children that weren’t her own. They gave her luggage! And a trip to New York! But the best part: Oprah gave her a van with air conditioning. Fannie nearly loses it, understandably. Also, the both wear crowns.

4:06: Some people are really cursed in life. 2 years after that episode aired, Fannie was left homeless after Hurricane Katrina. The van saved 12 people’s lives. This is actually getting really sad… puppy-mills-style-sad. We’re going to soberly wait for Tom Cruise to come out. Some things shouldn’t be liveblogged.

4:09: Things are looking up! The adorable Nate Berkus arrives to make sure of that. They give Fannie a hotel to shack up in until her new home is finished by Berkus and crew. Frannie, understandably, slaps her forehead in shock.

4:14: Next guest: A stunt involving Tom Cruise’s biggest fan in 2001. Cameras arrive at Nancy Kozlowski’s door at the crack of dawn, and it was so early Oprah was not dressed yet. Here is a photo of Oprah with no makeup on:

4:15: To quote Oprah: “Next week, Tom Cruise will be cruising through here!” (throat clear, glass shattering.) Nancy K. and her puff paint sweatshirt go CRAZY. She’s getting a limo to the Oprah show to meet Tom!!!

4:16: Why am I liveblogging this? Oh right. Tom Cruise, Pregnant T-Man. Stay focused, Collins.

4:17: Guess what. UNPRECEDENTED MOVE. Tom Cruise isn’t going to be on until May 5. Double-You Tee Eff you guys. I am cutting this LIVEBLOG SHORT PEOPLE!!! I will update for Pregnant T-Man, but that is IT! ps Nancy is coming back to meet Tom. Great. I feel duped. My face is much like the expression on this woman’s face. For the record, she is a compulsive hoarder:

Back in a bit for a Pregnant T-Man update.

4:52: Saving the best for laaaaaast!!! PREGNANT TRANSMAN UPDATE!

4:53: Literally, this is the update Oprah just gave us: Pregnant T-Man’s neighbors brought them bundt cakes.

4:54: Here is the question Oprah forgot to ask. She’s showing a moment not shown in the original airing: “Are you planning vaginal birth or c-section?” PTMan wants to do it as naturally as possible. He wants to feel the experience. Also, he won’t breast feeding. But his nipples did change!! He has feeling again in them.

4:55: THAT WAS THE UPDATE?!?!!? Oprah, we are through. Pregnant T-Man wasn’t even on set? WTF, Oprah. You are a liar and a thief.