Today’s eye-poppingly titled news snippet “Penis theft panic hits city” contains what may be the greatest opening paragraph in journalistic history:
KINSHASA (Reuters) – Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men’s penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.
I cannot help but think of Lisa Simpson’s reaction to the Yahoo Serious Festival — “I know those words, but that sign makes no sense.” Here are three possible explanations for how this jarring paragraph came to be:
1) Terribly butchered Babelfish translation of Reuters’ high school Spanish assignment “Juan Goes To The Grocery Store.”
2) Creative, literate sadist spent some time with the refrigerator poetry magnets in the Reuters office kitchen.
3) The actual Congo is even more f***ed up than the movie with the dudes in ape suits and laser-shooting diamonds.
