I know we say that every night is the Best Night Ever, but as one commenter pointed out, tonight it really is, for serious. Why, you ask? Because after 5 grueling months of suffering through a mostly non-entertaining reality show-polluted television wasteland, good scripted comedy FINALLY returns to the air with tonights shiny new episodes of The Office and 30 Rock (which, as an added bonus, is Hube-enriched tonight with a guest appearance by our own Rob Heubel!). To give you guys an idea of how excited I am by this, I’ve decided to provide you with a schedule of my plans for the evening. I recommend you all duplicate it.
6:47 pm – Stumble into my apartment and collapse onto the floor, sobbing, after another day spent reading every inane celebrity factoid that managed to make its way onto the Internet.
6:51 – Crawl on my hands and knees into the kitchen. Fill glass with vodka and anti-oxidant tea, then guzzle it. Start to feel better.
7:00 - Check TiVo to make sure it’s still set to record everything that happens on NBC between 8:30 and 9:30 pm tonight. Sternly tell TiVo not to f*ck me over, even though I’ll be watching the shows live anyway. Rub the TiVo remote gently against my beard and softly say, “Oh you know I love you, baby…”
7:21 - Feeling hungry, I order two large pizzas to ensure proper nourishment is maintained throughout the evening of intense television-watching. While I wait, I play a little Super Mario Galaxy on Wii, then soon get bored because the game’s too hard in the later levels and I can’t seem to get any more stars.
7:40 - Turn phone off, and change my outgoing voice message to inform all friends, family and associates that, for all intents and purposes, I’m dead to the world until 9:31 pm.
Read the rest, after the jump!
8:00 – Check TiVo again. Once scheduled recordings are confirmed, pat it reassuringly.
8:08 – Delivery man arrives. Throw wad of money outside of my door, violently grab pizzas, and demand he vacate the premises at once as I slam the door in his face.
8:17 – Watch favorite parts from last pre-strike episodes of The Office and 30 Rock on Hulu while shoving rolled up slices down my throat and cursing the existence of My Name Is Earl.
8:29 – Begin hyperventilating, running in circles around my coffee table, and screaming the melody of Europe’s “The Final Countdown” at the top of my lungs.
8:31 - Strip to boxers during opening credits of 30 Rock and flop onto the couch, shaking arms and legs like a cockroach and humping the air.
8:31 – 9:30 – Laughter. Sweet, sweet laughter.
9:31 – Shiver and quiver at the climax of my joygasm, click TV off at sight of Zach Braff’s stupid face, drift to sleep in the afterglow of one of the few truly wonderful entertainment experiences left in life.
1:07 am – Have weird dream about Dwight Schrute doing it with Tina Fey.
THE END
