As a five-summer veteran of delivering Domino’s pizzas, a frozen shudder shot up my spine on behalf of all current Dominos employees when I saw their new ad campaign, “Dominos: You Got 30 Minutes.” Why the rush of terror, you non-Dominos vets ask? Because if you look at the ad closely, you’ll read the phrase “30 minutes is an estimate, not a guarantee” in microscopic text, meaning some douchebag ad exec wants to trick customers into believing that the “30 minutes or it’s free” guarantee is back, then leave it to the delivery drivers to explain to inevitably angry customers why their pizza isn’t free when it gets there in 31 minutes.

Sound like torture? Just imagine your summer job consisting of this conversation 100 times a night:

[CUSTOMER GRABS PIZZA FROM DRIVER, GOES TO SHUT DOOR]

CUSTOMER: Thanks, g’night.

DRIVER: Um, that’ll be $23.52.

CUSTOMER: No, I called before eight, that actually took thirty-four minutes.

[PAUSE. DRIVER SIGHS LOUDLY, PREPARES CORPORATELY-SCRIPTED DISCLAIMER]

DRIVER: I am sorry valued customer but Domino’s Pizza no longer honors the thirty minute guarantee anymore thirty minutes is is just an estimate I apologize for the inconvenience.

[CUSTOMER LAUGHS. THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE]

CUSTOMER: You’re serious? What a f*cking crock, you expect me to pay for this? I just saw the ad on tv!

DRIVER: Sir, calm down–

CUSTOMER: F*ck you, this is all your fault! If the advertising people were here I’d punch them them a lot but because they’re not I’m gonna pretend that you’re them and by beating you it will somehow solve things!!!

DRIVER: Please don’t–

[CUSTOMER STARTS BEATING DRIVER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE PIZZA, REOPENING HIS WOUNDS FROM EARLIER THAT NIGHT AND SPLATTERING BLOOD ALL OVER THE BOX. CUSTOMER GRABS PIZZA AND WHIPS A COUPLE NICKELS AT THE BLOODIED, WRITHING DRIVER ON THE PAVEMENT]

CUSTOMER: Keep the change, ya filthy animal.

DRIVER: Y…. you just… quoted… Home Alone….

[CUSTOMER KICKS DRIVER IN THE FACE, SPITS ON HIM, THEN GOES INSIDE TO CALL PIZZA HUT]