A couple of months ago, Maxim Magazine, the expert misogynists who operate off of Silconey Island, produced a list of their Top 5 Unsexiest Women in the World. The list included some no-brainers — Amy Winehouse’s toothless trackmarks do not a sexy bitch make — however at the top of their list is a woman who has long been regarded as a major style icon with a “hot in that… unique way” face, Sarah Jessica Parker. SJP told the press that she felt hurt about the “honor”, and really, who wouldn’t? Even though she worked our last nerve as Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City, we also buy her clothes at the poor man’s H&M, Steve & Barry’s, so let us be the first to say: There is no way in hell she is the Unsexiest Woman Alive!

So to make SJP feel better, rightfully so, we present to her (and you) 10 Women Unsexier Than Sarah Jessica Parker. We hope you like it.

10. Star Jones. Her breasts look like chocolate pancakes. In fact, for a long time we confused Star Jones with that woman who could make her eyes bug out of her head. (Click at your own risk.) Fat, thin, married to a gay, single, we dare you to find a person who finds Ms. Jones sexier than the kind-hearted Sarah Jess.

9. Sinead O’Connor. Sure, she had a certain eyebrowed appeal in her “Nothing Compares 2 U” music video. That sort of borderline car-bomby Northern Irish face… But have you seen her lately?

Mmmyikes. Nuff said.

After the cut: The Top 8 Women Unsexier Than Sarah Jessica Parker

8. Cindy McCain. Take a look at this possible first lady’s face:

Some might find her pretty. I, on the otherhand, am hiding my firstborn in a locked safe until the election is over. Because, and you heard it here first, Cindy McCain (might) eat babies, specifically, your baby.

7. Jocelyn Wildenstein. For a woman raised in the wild by a ragtag group of homeless tigers, she looks fabulous! For a billionairess with a priceless art collection? Bring out your finest grapefruit spoons, I’ve got some eyes that need scooping.

6. Chyna Doll. I fear saying anything negative about Chyna, as she’s one of the few women on Earth who could very easily beat me down to a pile of bloody pulp. So, keeping that in mind: Chyn, ya look fab! (shaking in cubicle.)

5. Lindsay Lohan. Lilo looks great for a 48-year-old mother of two who fell into the Who Framed Roger Rabbit acid bath. But for a young girl whose natural skin and hair pigments have gone the way of profitable movie roles for this actress… not so much.

4. Samantha Ronson. Even if Sarah Jessica shaved off her signature blonde locks and went on a 300-hour lezzie spree, foregoing food, home and showering for cocaine shakes and heroin dreams, she would still be 200 times sexier than Celebrity DJ and Lilo Chum Samantha Ronson. Which really isn’t a compliment, as Sam-Ron is basically the most disgusting.

3. Priscilla Presley. When you’re pumping auto-parts lubricant in your face, your bound to look not a day over reanimated corpse.

2. The Church Lady. I’ll admit… her support hoes are kind of sexy. And she certainly knows how to dance. But talking about Satan all day? Decidedly unsexy.

1. Clay Aiken. Beautiful? Yes. But everyone knows Clay Aiken is the Unsexiest Woman Alive. He should seriously consider getting implants to up his stock.

(In an effort to beat everyone to the joke, let it be said that my own placement on this list is greatly implied. That should clear me, right?)