Grand Rapids, Michigan must be an ideal place to live. Sure, the weather makes one long for a toasty flamebath, and I imagine a typical Saturday night in town would consist of a Tracey Morgan movie marathon. But look at the bright side: The crime rate must be at an all-time low. After all, why else would the news be cracking the case about a local woman whose Jesus statue was stolen, all because of a tiny little nugget of a problem known as “weiner poop”? Or why would the news station’s website have a special report entitled “It’s Pothole Season”? Are people not being beaten and maimed in Grand Rapids, MI? Apparently — thankfully — no, they’re not.

Which leads to our Viral Vid of the Day — the news report of said Jesus-napping which includes a heartwrenching reading the term “Weiner Poop”. And if you happen to see a slightly touched 11 year old clutching a cement Jesus statue… call the police.