Pick up any gossip rag and one thing is certain: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are hitting up all of L.A.’s hotspots, while also remaining very much in love. But you might notice something is different about this Hollywood Power Couple… namely, that their most endearing asset — daughter Suri Cruise — has not been photographed for many, many months.

Now, if this were any other baby, the world would probably not even notice. But this being Suri, handily the world’s most adorable and, up until recently, the most photographed baby, her absence is cause for concern. Which leads us to ask: Where Is Suri? Here are 7 plausible theories:

1. Accidentally mistaking her for a chicken wing, Kirstie Alley threw Suri into a deep fryer. Upon realizing the mistake, Alley immediately removed America’s Best Baby from the fryer, but sadly… it was too late. Too, too late. On the bright side, Alley insists it was the most delicious baby she has ever eaten.

2. Tom and Katie panicked when they learned that Suri’s first words were “I want Ritalin.” She is now resting comfortably in a soundproof, padlocked drawer.

3. Katie Holmes has pawned poor Suri to buy Armani’s latest creation: A python-skinned covered baby shaped bag. Think of how many diamonds you can fit into it!

4. Suri was murdered by supposed fellow baby friend Shiloh Pitt… who is now on the crawl from the law.

5. Giving free stress tests in Times Square.

6. Finding the real murderer.

7. Scoffing at O.J. jokes that were unfunny even 12 years ago. Then, kicking back on her alien space ship roughly 4 meganons away and just takin’ a breather.

Leave your best theories in the comments.

Update: I just realized it’s also possible she’s back with her blue-eyed biological Asian parents, where she belongs.