11:47: No Country For Old Men takes home the Best Picture prize, and while I was personally riding the oil derrick of Office Pool fortune for a There Will Be Bloodwin, I am still pleased with this result.
Overall, in this exhausted, post live-blogging state of mine, I must say: This year’s Academy Awards left much to be desired. Which loosely translates into: Serve more alcohol during the ceremony/invite more drunks. There’s a reason the Golden Globe Awards are more fun, and it’s called vodka.
To sum things up, if you weren’t lucky enough to catch the ceremony tonight, here’s really the only moment worth watching:
Note to Academy Producers: Sure, we love Jon Stewart… but next year, strongly consider getting J-Nicholson to host. And how do you know when a girl’s been live-blogging too long? When her co-partier switches the channel to Major League on TBS and said live-blogger cannot stop cracking up laughing!
Note to readers: If you’re starting to read this liveblog after the ceremony, start reading it at the very bottom, and work your way up. And for those of you that don’t understand what “reverse chronological order” means, click here.
11:46: Holy ess… Denzel Washington…
What does one even say 3 hours into one of the more boring Oscar Ceremonies in recent memory? He’s bald now.
11:43: Poor PT Anderson, i.e. Wes Bentley’s older, more successful brother. The Coen Brothers deservedly take home the trophy as this year’s Best Director, and Frances McDormand remains America’s most lovable famous under-the-radar wife. I remain happy about this.
11:41: Best Director Time! Office pools around the country, feeling a little chilly right now… thankfully Marty Scorcese’s Brows are there to warm you right back up.
11:37: The following photo pretty much sums up the evening:
DDL owns life right now.
UPDATE! Here is his acceptance speech, which is needless to say, awesome and full of crazyeyes:
11:31: Helen Mirren literally dazzles. A comparison:
11:24: Harry Ford puts in his best diamond earring to present Diabo F**king Cody with an Oscar for Juno. Cody makes sure the audience realizes she’s different by donning a leopard-printed caftan, throwing skulls into her hoopz, and tattooing a nearly naked lady onto her arm. Point taken, Diabz!
This blog update brought to you by Jealousy. Jealousy: Because Why Can’t I Be Winning An Oscar Right Now?
11:20: Me, losing my mind, discussing the dress on the winner for Best Documentary Feature: “That’s a very bad dress on her. You can’t wear a dress like that when you have flatties.” I can’t tell if I’m becoming more genius as the night wears on, or if I’m on the verge of flinging my waste at Danny D-Louie’s face when he accepts his inevitable Oscar. Stay tuned.
And now Elton John is on the screen.
Things are now leaning towards poo-flinging.
11:16: Sergeant to Soldiers: Here’s the bad news… the war is still going on.
Soldiers: Boooooo.
Sergeant: Good news? Ya’ll get to present an Oscar this year!
Lady Soldier: Do I get to wear a gown?
Sergeant: Mmmmmmmmnooooooooooo.
Soldiers: Mmmmboooo.
And the winner is? Not soldiers.
11:11: And now, presenting the nominees with the Most Fun Names To Say Out Loud:
Otherwise known as Best Original Score, i.e. Musicians with salt-n-peppy in the hurrr.
11:05: The inevitable R.I.P. update…
UPDATE: Here is video of the In Memorium segment, in case you haven’t cried yet in 2008:
11:03: Melville Shavelson hands down has the best name of any of the In Memorium people.
Sorry Montague “Monty” G. Westmore, and the singularly named “Donfeld“.
11:01: There Will Be Blood’s Cinemetography Drinks Your Milkshake! It drinks it up! Get it?! IT’S A LINE FROM THE MOVIE PEOPLE!! My brain is melting, and p.s. shoot me. In better news, how much to we love the PT Anderson – Maya Rudolph marriage? So very much.
We also just realized a change in this year’s ceremony: They don’t seem to be showing clips from the year’s Best Picture nominees. On the bright side, we don’t have to sit through any Juno clips anymore.
10:54: Here’s the quickest way to impersonate the winners of Best Song, from Once: “Tanks. Dis is dedicated to all the udder independunt musi-shuns.” That’s really all it takes. In other news, Jon Stewart wins us back with a double whammy: A joke about the Once guy’s “arrogance”, and then bringing the girl back out onto the stage to finish her speech. Cute.
10:50: John Travolta, on the Best Song: “This is one of my favorite categories, because ________________” Feel free to speculate. Let this photo of him waltzing onto the stage INSPIRE you:
10:46: How did this American Idol reject end up singing in front of these Hollywood Elite/80 Million People? I mean, he’s pretty, sure, but he sounds like one of Joe Cocker’s constipated nuggies grew lips and a larynx. He’s terrible!
But he should feel free to text us at 212-777-7777 (Actually the number of a cab company. So don’t try anything.)
10:42: Peen-Cruz presents the Foreign Language Award to a movie about Counterfeiters from Austria. Mentally photoshop Arnie Schwarzenegger’s face over his and pretend he finally received a well-deserved Oscar for Total Recall. Also, did I not address Colin Farrell nearly falling down before? Sorry, I was too distracted by his ringlets it was hard to figure out what was going on.
10:37: Just when I think the Oscars is starting to get a little bit boring…
Nicole Kidman decides to pull her portrait of the closet.
Literary references ya’ll!
10:32: What is happening tonight? Both Renee Zellwegger and Nicole Kidman look pretty! OK, Kidman kind of looks like she got into a strangle-fight with Beyonce backstage… but the face is surprisingly human! Which is all we ask for. A kind cameraman cuts to a Cameron Diaz closeup to remind us that things could be much, much worse.
10:29: The Academy Awards uses the Best Picture montage to remind us of their lowest point:
NEVER FORGET.
After the jump, Best Week Ever’s 2008 Oscar Liveblog Continues! With videos and everything!
Click below to keep reading.
10:23: It’s like the Academy can read my mind. Here’s J-Nix! But what the hell? He’s doing the intro for the night’s 44th montage! Ugh, seriously, they couldn’t have thrown him into that Enchanted number or something? Talent = wasted.
10:21: Here it is folks… the highlight of the event so far… Javier Bardem’s Oscar Speech. Put your laptop on Power Saver, lest it explode.
10:13: YESSS.
Marion Cotillard takes it for La Vie En Rose! So well-deserved. Unfortunately, unlike Javier Bardem’s speech, there are no French speakers at my mini-Oscar party to translate exactly what words are coming out of her mouth… something about angels and glitter… I’m having trouble getting it. But she’s sweet.
In other news, you know what this broadcast needs waaaaaay more of? JACK NICHOLSON. Why are the cameramen ignoring veritable Gold, Jerry, Gold?
Reminder:
10:09: Good news! We’re already up to lead actress!
10:01: Judy Dench, or as I prefer to call her, Jew-Den, is announced to come onto the stage, but instead we get a thinner Seth Rogen and a still-plump Jonah Hill. You know what’s never a good idea? Having white wine while live-blogging! The Bourne Ultimatum scores a deserved win. And check out Per Hallberg!
The only thing we can think of is the following obscure exchange:
Woodstock: What’s the password?
Ace Ventura: New England clam chowder.
Woodstock: Is that the red or the white?
Ace Ventura: Ah, I can never remember that. White.
[door opens]
Ace Ventura: Yes.
What is Raynor Scheine up to these days, anyway?
9:54: I don’t personally care that much about the Enchanted songs, but my co-party-people seem a little disappointed that Chenoweth is covering for Amy Adams. I’m more obsessed with the light tap-dancing happening on stage right now. And the Oscar for Most Likely to Be Using to Be Using Kristen Chenoweth to Hide Your Erection Goes To:
This guy, who also received the Most Likely to Be Related to One of the Producers of the Academy Awards Award.
9:51: We’d like to spend this montage by pointing out that Dixie Carter is totally back on the map!
Even Jon Stewart is unimpressed by this latest montage, though we’re guessing extremely impressed by Dixie Carter.
9:50: Goatlegs and Goonies present a Best Adapted Screenplay Oscar to the overly deserving Coen Brothers. No joke here, though we wish they would give part of their speech in Spanish. And in related news, Scott Rudin has officially looked somebody in the eyes!
9:38: Tildy Swinty pics up the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress, thus ruining my chances to win this year’s Oscar pool. (I assumed Ruby Dee would get it, as she is closest to, you know, not ever being nominated again…) Tildy’s gone with an interesting outfit choice this year, dressing as Horse and Hound’s number one favorite actor:
(Notting Hill reference quota? Filled.)
9:37: Up to Best Supporting Actress, and really, they nominated that little girl from Atonement? Wouldn’t Raven Simone would’ve brought way more to the role? I’d even give Keisha Knight-Pulliam the benefit of the doubt.
9:33: While Seinfeld hasn’t made us laugh since roughly 1999 (including his hacky stint on 30 Rock), here’s something that makes us laugh to no end:
Madame Tutli-Putli. Sometimes, you just can’t explain comedy. And in tragic news, it loses.
9:29: Let’s take a second to check in with Owen Wilson:
Tonight, Owen Wilson further proves the theory that words coming out of his mouth will sound hilarious, specifically the words “Argentina” and “Tonto.”
9:27: Another translation: “August Rush Nominated Oscar Song”, loosely translated into English, means “Time to pee all over myself.” What I’m saying is, go the bathroom now. Hurry.
9:18: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Javier Bardem takes the stage in his little borderline mandarin collared blazey and grips that Oscar like an effing MAN!
Oh sh*t, he did not just whip out the Spanish. OMG… you guys… I think he just dedicated his award to me.
I JK, my Spanish co-partier translates his speech thusly:
Mama, this is for you. This is for our ancestors. And for our family Matilda. For the Spanish comics. (??) And something with a lisp that she juuuuust couldn’t quite get. (She “doesn’t speak Cathtillian.”)
So, in other words, Javier Bardem just dedicated his Oscar to this guy:
9:15: J-Hud is looking pretty good… And good God, it’s our first MAJOR AWARD: Best Supporting Actor! Off to pray…
9:12: A ravishing Cate Blanchett presents an award to Sweeney Todd. And in related news, meet the Best Seat Filler Ever:
THIS GUY.
9:08: And the Oscar for Best Visual Effects Goes to…
The Rock. Oh, The Golden Compass won something also. C-G-I Don’t Really care. p.s. How addictive is the last name Westenhoffer?
8:59: A now, a game we like to call: “Invitee? Or Seat Filler?” This round features a very hilarious staple of the New York comedy scene and former SNL writer, Eric Slovin, sitting directly behind the ethereal Marion Cotillard:
If he was indeed invited/nominated, congrats Eric! Also, if Marion doesn’t win… I don’t even know what I’m capable of doing in such a blacked out rage.
8:54: Heigl scores some points by revealing that she is not, in fact, a robot, and is nervous. And huzzah: La Vie En Rose wins its first Oscar for Best Makeup! The award is accepted by Gerard Depardieu wannabee Bleaux Bleh Bleaux (I didn’t catch his name.)
8:54: 1 for 2 in the Oscar pool! Ratatouillle takes the Best Animated Feature Oscar. Brad Bird’s speech will be rereleased this summer as the hit movie “Earnest Goes to the Oscars.” RIP Vern.
8:52: Oh, thank God… Steve Carell is here. The Writer’s Strike has done him good, and his Michael Scott impression is dead on b*lls accurate.
8:49: Are they literally playing Celine Dion while showing Christopher Reeve within the first 20 minutes to tug at our heartstrings? Because (sob) it’s (sob) working (gunshot).
8:48: A montage already? We haven’t even gotten a major award out of the way… But at least we get to remember Billy Crystal’s heydey. What do you guys think Billy is up to tonight? Probably moaning on the phone with his old friend Scotch.
8:45: Things that should not be seen on HDTV, Part 1: BARBARA STREISAND:
HDNoThanks!
8:43: 0 for 1 in office Oscar pool. Alexandra Byrne wins for Most Exotic Optical Frame Best Costume Design for Elizabeth: The Golden Age.
8:39: Wesley Snipes managed to spend his last $4,000 on a purple suit:
You would be smiling like that too if you completely f**ked the IRS.
8:38: He wins us back with a good Diablo Cody joke. Any word if she wore those $1 million shoes after all?
8:35: Here’s Jon Stewart. And in HDTV, it appears his hands are translucent. Stewart’s jokes are a little 2007, dare I say. No Country’s Dorothy Hamill haircut? Sure, Javier Bardem was crackin up, but “Humor” (spelled Jumor in Spanish) is his second language. And it only took 7 minutes for a Norbitjoke! Thank God the Writer’s Strike is over.
8:30: It’s Starting! What’s with this Universal Studios CGI opening? Don’t get me wrong, I love Beverly Hills Cop, but time and a place, Academy, time and a place.
8:28: EMERGENCY INTERRUPTION!!! FRIENDO ALERT, Part 1:
Look who is sitting side-by-side: Jack Nichy and “Xavier” (According to Regis) Javier Bardem! Ummm, this photo may have just convinced me that this will be The Best Oscar’s Ever.
8:25: Note to all aspiring actresses/Russian mail order brides:
There is hope for you yet! p.s. How great are all the Enchanted Musical Numbers gonna be tonight?
8:20: You’re telling me that Daniel Day-Lewis has been “”drinkin’”" up this woman’s “”milkshake”" for the past 12 years?
I don’t know… she seems kind of in-a-broach-able. Mmmmyello?
8:11: I’m not the type to get jealous, however…
who the hell does this bitch think she is, talking to Javier Bardem like they’re “old friends.” Good thing we’ve got Faye Dunaway’s son to drool over.
At least, we pray to the invisi-Gods that’s her son, and not her Saturday night waiter at the local Outback Steakhouse. Good mm-god. Something tells us her “onion” “bloomed” roughly 32 years ago.
8:04: Yes, it’s early in the evening, but we can’t help but point out an extremely apropos Red Carpet Simi-lebrity:
Viggo Mortensen and Gandalf the Gheeeeey.
7:58: It’s almost 8:00! Words can’t describe how excited I am, so maybe this picture of Katherine Heigl can…
Good evening, world!
7:45: So far, the evening has been defined by the following two events: 1. Me slamming my head against my friend’s low-hanging entertainment center, possibly causing a pre-liveblog brain concushy; 2. Debating the width and size of Javier Bardem’s lapels; and 3. This exchange, between myself and one of my co-viewing buddies Claudia:
Me: “Who does Tilda Swinton remind me of?”
Claudia: “Uh, a man?”
Indeed. Love her still! And while we’re on the topic of vadges, as much as I adore Jennifer Hudson, her armpit pouches need to be hidden either in a tasteful thong or, what it’s more commonly called, a “sleeve”. Example:
OK, we’ll be gearing up with Ryan Sea-Sea Penis-Town and the gang on E!, and will be back and in full blogging mode (concussion and all) at 8 PM sharp.
