In professional sports, there are losing teams, and then there are teams that lose and also it’s really funny. The following ten franchises represented the pinnacle of sports-fan schadenfreude in 2008, as ranked by a scientific-as-hell system that combines the team’s 
Creative Hilarity (negative/ridiculous storylines, WTF moments, general stupidity/absurdity) with their Degree of Failure (overall losing, chronic losing, or particularly rough choking). For simplicity’s sake, the list only covers the NFL, MLB, NHL, and NBA — otherwise, the entire list would just be jokes about the CFL’s Saskatchewan Roughriders. Because seriously, eff those guys.
10. Philadelphia Eagles
Creative Hilarity: 6. I received a text from one of my Eagles-fan friends after Philly lost to the Redskins this past Sunday (virtually wiping out their postseason chances this year) that ended with the succinct reminder “oh yeah, Andy Reid has fat inside of his skull instead of a brain.” I feel this phrase and the anger behind it more or less sums up the past decade of Eagles football with more painful accuracy than any ten seasons of team highlight videos possibly could.
Failure Rating: 5. The Eagles are never outright terrible, but they always lose exactly enough to lower expectations before a surprising win, then win exactly enough to raise expectations before a surprising loss. It’s truly one of the most awe-inspiring balances in nature; I think there’s an entire Planet Earth episode dedicated to it.
Overall: 11. At least the Phillies’ title buys everyone in that city at least another five suicide-free sports seasons.
9. New York Knicks
Creative Hilarity: 5.5. They’ve been a can’t-miss, Top-Three hilarious franchise for the past four years, but things are finally looking up — they convinced Mike D’Antoni to sell his soul, they managed to dump Stephon Marbury into the same Mystery Spot-limbo that Ozzie Smith fell into on The Simpsons, and I’m pretty sure they’re only three years away from actually drafting in the first round again! [ED NOTE: The Knicks probably will have traded away their 2011 and 2012 first round picks for Juwon Howard by the time you're reading this]
Failure Rating: 8. They haven’t had a winning year since 2001, but they have consistently finished above the Washington Generals in nearly every season since then.
Overall: 13.5. Plan A) Sign LeBron James in 2010. Plan B) Invent time machine, continue changing past events until Plan A comes true or dinosaurs rule the earth.
8. Cincinnati Bengals
Creative Hilarity: 6.5. The Chris Henry saga wasn’t so much a “nail in the coffin” for coach Marvin Lewis as it was a “series of bronze I-beams melded in a crisscross pattern overtop the coffin” for Marvin Lewis. Re-live these awesome headlines and dates –
April 3rd, 2008 – Bengals cut Henry, say they’ll no longer tolerate his conduct
August 20th, 2008 – Bengals re-sign Henry
Failure Rating: 7.5. The Bengals are dead last in the AFC and have been outscored 358-188 by opponents this season. Although, those numbers really don’t seem so bad if you’re dyslexic and thus cannot read or comprehend them.
Overall: 14. Maybe they can still save face by getting that 7th round pick from the Redskins for Chad Johnson?
7. New York Mets
Creative Hilarity: 7. GM Omar Minaya’s firing of manager Willie Randolph via a three-a.m. drunken text message with a frowny emoticon was an expectantly classless move for a fanbase that John Rocker once called “A bunch of gay Asian N-Words.” That whole sentence is true.
Failure Rating: 7. Losing the division on the last day of the season two years in a row demonstrated an admirable commitment to consistency, much like the many sportscasters who annually repeat the phrase “The Mets have a huge Latin fanbase, so [NEW LATIN FREE AGENT] should fit in great there!”
Overall: 14. The Mets can now completely forget the word “failure” as they prepare to enter the brand new Citi Field, a giant building bearing the namesake and countless logos of a company that’s completely falling apart.
6. Florida Panthers/Milwaukee Bucks
Special Inclusion: The Panthers and Bucks are currently neck-and-neck for the dubious honor of “Most Forgettable Sports Franchise” — neither has been perpetually good enough or bad enough to be noticed, yet neither is new or weird enough to be mentioned as an example of a stupid-sounding expansion franchise, like the Columbus Blue Jackets or the Oklahoma City Thunder. They both just…exist.
5. Dallas Cowboys
Creative Hilarity: 8.5. In the past two seasons, the Cowboys have added criminals Adam “Pac Man” Jones and Tank “Possessed Literally Dozens Of Illegal Firearms” Johnson to their roster in addition to Terrell Owens, who’s 35 and has been called a “cancer” more times than the disease cancer. In an unrelated story, the Cowboys have had some locker room tension, surprisingly.
Failure Rating: 6. They have won precisely 0 playoff games with Tony Romo under center, but they could be a playoff sleeper this year — isn’t that right, Cowboys-coach-for-decades-to-come Wade Phillips?
Overall: 14.5. If they do end up missing the playoffs, at least they won’t get to draft in the first, third, or sixth rounds this offseason because of the Roy Williams trade. Countdown to inexplicable Burress pursuit: 4 Months.
4. New York Yankees
Creative Hilarity: 8. Remember last year when GM Brian Cashman had those couple seconds of crazy conscience and thought he was controlling a baseball team bound by the properties of physical reality and said he wanted to build from within around his young pitching prospects instead of signing three unrestricted free agents to contracts totaling more than $420 million in guaranteed money? Something was funny here, I forget.
Failure Rating: 7. They only missed the playoffs for the first time since 1995, so it’s not really accurate to call them “failures,” but it is extremely fun to call them “failures.”
Overall: 15. There are only two possible outcomes for the Yankees’ 2009 season. 1) They don’t win the World Series, and it’s hilarious. 2) They win the World Series, and good for f*cking them.
3. Tampa Bay Lightning
Creative Hilarity: 8.5. Tampa’s new owners hired ESPN Mullet Analyst Barry Melrose as their head coach for the 2008-09 season despite the fact that he hadn’t coached at any level for thirteen years, then fired him only sixteen games into the season and replaced him with gambling ringleader Rick Tocchet. They’re one Sean Avery shy of possessing all five of the funniest NHL storylines for 2008.
Failure Rating: 9. They finished dead last in the NHL in ’07-’08, then showed a solid sense of humor when they signed Gary Roberts and Mark Recchi in the offseason (combined age: 82) and now currently hold the second-worst record in the NHL. The citizens of Tampa are presumably rioting.
Overall: 17.5. It still makes me laugh when hockey announcers refer to an ex-Tampa player as “a former Lightning.” For example, “Here comes Chris Gratton, a former Flyer, Coyote, and Lightning, who is now again a current Lightning because this briefly-proud franchise somehow became a joke overnight.”
2. Detroit Lions
Creative Hilarity: 9. The Lions played hard nearly all season and blew a couple unfortunate leads en route to their (likely) historical 0-16 season, but Rod Marinelli’s postgame press conferences ensured that their season of futility leaned more towards hilarity than depression:
Failure Rating: ERR:UNDEFINED
Overall: Lots. We’ve said it every other year since 1998 but we can say it now with absolute mathematical certainty: At least the Lions have finally hit rock bottom. Here’s hoping the NFL doesn’t add a seventeenth game next season.
1. Oakland Raiders
Creative Hilarity: 10. How far back should we start? Owner Al Davis fired head coach Art Shell after one season in 2006, then hired 31-year-old USC offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin, then drafted a letter of resignation for Kiffin after the team finished 4-12 in 2007 which Kiffin refused to sign, then reportedly tried to fire Kiffin two games into the 2008 season, then finally fired Kiffin four games into the 2008 season.
Failure Rating: 10. I’ve also copied the following paragraph straight from Wikipedia, as it requires no additional comment:
On March 20, 2008, Hall was traded to the Oakland Raiders for their second-round pick in the 2008 NFL Draft and fifth-round pick in the 2009 NFL Draft. The trade became official when he agreed on a seven-year, $70 million contract with $24.5 million guaranteed. On November 5, 2008, Hall was released by the Oakland Raiders after “he failed to adapt to the Raiders’ man-to-man style of defense and was regularly beaten by opposition receivers during the opening half of the season.” In total, Hall received $8 million—a $7 million signing bonus and $1 million in base salary—for playing eight games for Oakland.
Overall: 20. Rarely have we been been blessed with a season of two wholly, audaciously amusing franchises as the ’08 Lions and the ’08 Raiders, but one thing the Lions never did, and that no other team on this list has or will ever do, is attempt a seventy-f*cking-four yard field goal:
Which is the funniest sports franchise of 2008? Leave your answers, arguments, and Youtube videos of field goal attempts not even reaching the end zone in the comments!
