50. Tell the stranger sitting next to you that that Benjaman Button kid looks exactly your Cousin Shmuel.
49. Stand outside of Loehmanns until Friday morning.
48. Fight LOUDLY.
47. Vote for Obama… again.
46. Open Christmas Presents, depending on how self-hating you are.
45. Make a wig out of lo mein. Then, eat that wig.
44. Justify Hannukkah by saying “it is just like Christmas.”
43. Know, deep down, that it is much, much suckier than Christmas.
42. Wish they were Christian.
41. Wonder if the dog is Jewish.
40. Eat $5,000 Worth of Chocolate Coins.
39. Make inappropriate LOLocaust joke over breakfast.
38. Complain about EVERYTHING.
37. Get crunk on the manny shevs.
36. Play the classic game “Let’s Make Our Children Feel ‘Less Than’”
35. Avoid Playing Sports. Football? More like Let’s Wash Our Socksball.
34. Send their food back for not being hot enough.
33. Ask if anyone’s chilly/boiling hot.
32. Offer more food while simultaneously telling your kids how fat they are.
31. Polish their gun collection (JK!!)
30. Visit Nana at the home for your Annual Christmas Rummy Cube Tournament.
29. Feel jealous that the Rosens get a gift each night while you only get 1. Feel less jealous when the Rosens get a divorce 3 months later and their kids can’t stop crying in math class.
28. Light The Hannukkah Candles. Then, cry themselves to sleep.
27. For one day, feel safe that they won’t be enslaved.
26. Watch A Christmas Story on TBS roughly 5.4 times while warming their feet under the dog.
25. Go through menopause.
24. Check where that draft is coming from.
23. Remind Everyone that Flick is in porn now.
22. Pace.
21. Realize they have another three months before they’re blamed for killing Jesus again.
20. Talk about how fabulous Slumdog Millionaire is. (And how!)
19. Make a holiday toast… using actual toast.
18. Avoid dairy.
17. Sit on the couch watching TV while yelling out “Sheilaaa! I think the antennae’s broken. I can’t see anything!”
16. Not go see Valkyrie.
15. Still care if I am dating a Jew, because otherwise Hitler wins.
14. Make sure any film about the Holocaust gets an Oscar.
13. Think of non-Jewish versions of your last name.
12. Shred some sort of disgusting food up to make a ball of that food that is slightly less disgusting.
11. Come up with yet another way to spell Chanukah.
10. Write extremely long, stereotypical lists.
9. Talk loudly to the maid because she speaks a different language.
8. Buy next year’s Chanukah cards at a discount.
7. Be frail.
6. Talk about what a koorvah that Madonna is.
5. Ask that someone just kill you already/Pray to God that you die soon.
4. Play Dreidel for 10 minutes before realizing you have no idea how.
3. Say “Y’know, he’s Jewish” about someone famous.
2. Ask your parents where your other gifts are, insisting that an LSAT study book does NOT count.
1. Flat Iron hair.
(With thanks to Jon Friedman and Andy Levy for their contributions.)
