Ladies and gentlemen, it is my GREAT PLEASURE to bring to you the following infomercial sent to us by reader Greg E.: “Cheers to You!”, a CD of straight-up applause and praise. For the low, low price of $24.95, just pop this CD in, put your headphones on, sit back in your jizz-stained La-z-Boy, and pretend it’s YOU hitting that homerun out of the Yankee Stadium; pretend it’s YOU winning the Best Actor Oscar; pretend it’s YOU finally earning the love and respect of your father, who never once said “I love you, son.”

At first, I was all “25 bucks for a CD? No thank you.” But then I was all “Oh snap! That sh*t comes with affirmity tokens?!?!? Yes, hello, operator? I’ll take three, yo!”

That, or I’ll just play this video from :25-:28 on loop FOREVER.

PLEASE WATCH THIS.

You wanna know the honest truth? If I WAS on the verge of suicide, I actually think this CD would pull me through my darkest hour. In fact, next time a friend threatens to kill him or herself, tell them they need the help of a suicide specialist, and give them this number: 888-924-3379. Yup: That’s the number for The Good Cheer Company. They will thank you (possibly from the afterlife, but still.)