Dear Secret Service,

Today, November 5, 2008, is a moving day for many Americans. Barack Obama has been elected the first African-American president in our country’s notoriously old white history. And now, Secret Service, it’s your job to ensure that this fine, intelligent man remains in perfect condition for the next four years, no matter what the backward racists bigots have in store. Which is why we’d like to propose the following security measure we think is essential to the future of our country: The Bulletproof Hamster Ball.

With it, Obama can roll around town surrounded by bulletproof class. Without it, you leave Americans in the highly vulnerable position of going from American Gladiators into American Sadiators. (What? Sorry, I’m still a lil’ tipsayyyy.)

But what about when Obama wants a little extra breathing room? When he’s tired of rollin’ around all day? Well, have we got the bulletproof solution for you:

Why, opt for bulletproof habitrail of course!

Using both of these methods, we as Americans will be able to sleep easy for the next 4 (or 8) years.

These methods are impossible, you say? Well then protect the sh*t out of him, motherf**kers.

Sincerely,
Fraidy Cat Jones