Ashlee Simpson has been pregnant for what seems like forever, and unless there’s a hippopotamus waiting to be born, it seems just about time for that baby to pop out. But no matter what she’s doing, lil’ Wentzy just does not want to be born. Sister Jessica Simpson was even quoted as saying that Ashlee Is “trying everything” to bring on labor, but nothing seems to be doing the trick, including foot massages and “jumping around.”

Perhaps the problem is, Simpson Clan, you’re not being clever enough with labor inducing techniques! Best Week Ever is happy to offer you 10 Creative Ways Ashlee Simpson Can Induce Labor. Take it from my 14 adopted somewhere children… these methods work!

10.

Try lip syncing… Not those lips.

9.

Play Fall Out Boy using a vaginal speaker, and then wait until baby comes out to say “Turn that racket down!”

The top 8 continue…

8.

Put a pencil outside of your mouth, and wait until the baby wraps itself around it. Or is that tapeworms?

7.

OD on Laxatives, and hope your orifices become confused.

6.

Use 2 to 3 servings of “Pete Wentz Jalepeno Douche.”

5.

Attempt the impossible “2 Ton Kegel.”

4.

Hit a high C…. for 4 hours.

3.

Dangle a miniature Louis Vuitton purse from a fishing rod outside of the “opening” while a fan blows the scent of a $100 bill up inside there.

2.

Whisper into your belly that Obama needs one more vote to win… and that they’ve changed the voting age to one minute old.

1.

Walk. No, seriously, Dr. Spock recommends it.