After months and months of rumors, Universal officially announced plans to release a feature film based on the board game Monopoly, and, as expected, Ridley “When You Think About Children’s Board Games You Think About Me” Scott will direct the project:

Ridley Scott, who has been attached as a producer on “Monopoly” and has been mentioned as a possible director, is now officially attached to helm the project, with an eye toward giving it a futuristic sheen along the lines of his iconic “Blade Runner.”

Don’t worry, it gets even what-the-f*ck-ier:

Universal is working with Hasbro on several projects as part of a long-term development deal. Platinum Dunes is producing its feature adaptation of “Ouija Board,” while the maritime classic “Battleship” is also in development.

I would just like to point out that back in February, I wrote a list of 10 Hasbro Toys We’d Like To See Made Into Movies, which included the following bone-chilling predictions:

10. Battleship

Starring: Clive Owen as Admiral Somerville, Liam Neeson as Admiral Donitz

Opposing British and German admirals take turns firing torpedos at very specific locations where they believe the other’s ships to be located. While attempting to fire shots in the pattern of a penis, the British admiral stumbles upon the German cruiser, and quickly triumphs after realizing that the German boats are arranged to spell “HI”.

…

1. Monopoly

Starring: Hal Holbrook as Hat, Liev Schrieber as Car, Matt Damon as Thimble, Giovanni Rubissi as Shoe, no one as Wheelbarrow

An epic, six-hour movie about several common objects and their swearing-filled real estate transactions. Things turn sour when Hat, having blown his off-the-books Free Parking windfall on booze, is ashamedly unable to pay the $850 to stay in three houses on Marvin Gardens, and agrees to turn over Park Place to the villanous, Broadway-owning Car. Thimble and Shoe immediately quit the game despite Car telling them “you can’t quit now!”, but they sarcastically congratulate him on his victory.

I’m not usually one to look at my own nine-month-old joke lists and pretend that they were in any way actual attempted predictions, but I must admit that I literally made the future happen with my posts for the second time this month.

I think I’m living in the movie Delirious, where whatever I write magically comes true and it’s not that funny. Also I slept with Mariel Hemingway.