“Ladies and Gentlemen, we interrupt our program of dance music to bring you a special bulletin from the intercontinental radio news. Our very own pop princess, now queen of pop, has a special announcement she would like to make.â€
So begins Britney Spears’ latest leaked single “Kill The Lights” off of her upcoming album Circus. Did I say “leaked single”? I meant TOTALLY INCREDIBLY SUPER-GAY RAINBOW SWIRLY SEQUIN PARADE OF OUR TIMES.
A few weeks ago, I reviewed her first single, “Womanizer”, saying kuh-wote:
I hate it. It starts off promising enough. Robot voice, good beat, the word “baybay†thrown around a couple of times. Then the chorus kicks in. “Womanizer†repeated over and over again in a monotonous manner. Over and over and over again. This goes on for four minutes and 37 seconds. Zero melody and the same word for almost five minutes. I seriously cannot get through the entire thing in one sitting.
Of course, within 162 listens and a great music video, “Womanizer” was quickly added to the top of my speedwalking playlist.
“Kill the Lights” is a different story. IT IS FREAKING AMAZING. (You can hear the song here)
These are my thoughts while listening to it:
00:01: OMG Breaking News… Is B-B-Spears ok?
00:05: Ugh, she’s fine.
00:18: OMG this is fantastic. It’s so Sunset Boulevard-y!
00:32: (checking to make sure it’s not The Pussycat Dolls)
00:45: (checking to make sure it’s not Danity Kane)
00:52: I just sneezed and the entire Village Halloween Parade came out of my nose. This is fabulous.
1:09: Holy ess, my feet just detached themselves, slipped themselves into hypercolor tap shoes, and reattached themselves.
1:34: Not sure what’s happening right now. This “I K-eeeled the Lights” is reminding me of Paul Giamatti in Private Parts: “W.Eeeeeeen.Bee.Cee!”
2:05: This song alone can perform miracles. It just turned a week-old bottle of Poland Springs on my desk into a round of kamikaze shots.
2:40: If Britney ever murders someone, she’ll have the perfect melody to confess to.
2:51: Oh sh*t, she’s getting real up in here! This is very Coolio‘s “Gangstah’s Paradise”…
3:12: This is the aural equivalent of the Gravitron.
3:36: It just occurred to me… it kind of sounds like she’s singing “I Killed the Lice.” Apropos, what with two babies running around shoeless all day long.
3:58: That final laughter will haunt my dreams… IN A FABULOUS WAY.
Take a listen, and tell me the truth: If you could do backflips to the tune of “Kill the Lights”, you would be doing them, down a dancefloor made of pleather and stripper heels and leftover prop pieces from Family Double Dare. That is how fabulous it is.
