Gentle Readers:
I’m sure you see me on the TV screen and think, “I wish I could talk to that guy. I want to ask him questions and have him tell me how to live my life.†Well, somebody here forced me to make your beautiful dream come true! Send your questions here to me and I’ll give you the best advice I feel like giving!
Just part of my contract,
Paul
Dear Paul F. Tompkins,
My son, who is nine, has never been into sports or guns or typical “boy stuff.†I know it makes my husband a little uncomfortable, but he tries to be as supportive as he can. The other day, my son came to me and said that for Halloween this year, he’s decided to dress as a lady! I’m predicting my husband will freak out, so I’m asking, WWPFTD?
Sincerely,
Kelly T.
Dear Kells:
I like that your son said “a lady†instead of “some broadâ€. He sounds like a class act, like Michael Feinstein. I can only assume your husband is afraid that your son might be gay. I only say this because your son is obviously gay. So then I’d remind your husband that it’s 2008 and being gay is not a strike against his son, who is his own flesh and blood. Also, if a nine year old boy is dressing like a lady for Hallowe’en, he sounds like a badass. He clearly doesn’t care if other kids might give him a hard time; he’s got his priorities straight. Priority #1: be outrageous. Tell your husband to relax. This kid’s gonna be fine.
Dear Paul F. Tompkins,
I’ve recently been offered a promotion, but the new job would require me to move from the East Coast to the West Coast. It’s a great opportunity, but the more I weigh the pros and cons, the less I know what to do and I’m running out of time. Help!
Yours truly,
TJK
Dear TJK Killer:
You want me to give you advice but the only details you’ve provided me with are the two edges of a map. Do you like your job and want to advance your career? Maybe THAT could be a factor. Are you one of these people that lives in New York and you’re afraid to leave the confines of the city, because you’ll fall off the edge of the earth and the dragons will get you? You say it’s a great opportunity, so perhaps weigh that against not doing anything and see which comes out on top. If this wasn’t helpful, it’s because you are beyond help.
Dear PFT,
I have been happily married for five years to a wonderful man and we are expecting our first child this winter. We met when we were set up by mutual friends based on shared interests. We’re environmentalists, animal rights activists and strict vegans. Which brings me to my problem. Since the moment I became pregnant, I have had intense cravings for meat. I resisted for as long as I could, but for the past few months, every time I am out of my husband’s sight, I am devouring animal flesh at alarming rates. I feel so guilty for eating these living things, and I feel terribly for lying to my husband. I think I should come clean, but then I worry that my husband may see me differently, or think I’ve somehow contaminated our baby. What should I do?
Thanks,
Heather H.
Dear Were-Heather:
Put down that deer haunch and listen to me for a second. One of two things is happening here. Either your gestating baby is regressing you to a primal, protective state, which would hopefully lessen your qualms about eating fellow animals, or you are playing the baby card in order to eat delicious meat which is undeniably delicious. I support you no matter what. Do what you need to do to get through this pregnancy, then hold it over your child’s head whenever you need some guilt-based obedience. You know what’s good? Pot roast! There’s vegetables in there, too!
Check in again next week for an entirely new column of WWPFTD? and tune in to Vh1 Friday’s @ 9pm for new episodes of Best Week Ever!
