The Telegraph U.K. posted an updated list of some of the world’s Most Endangered Species today. Because we can’t save them all, and because I’m pretty qualified in the field of looking at animals and passing judgment on them, I’ve gone ahead and made my recommendations about which species are definitely cute enough to save and which ones are redundant (uncute). Let’s get to it:
Tasmanian Devil
Any animal immortalized in cartoon form gets an automatic free pass for life. Same goes for roadrunners, wallabies, koalas, Squirtles, and Foghorn Leghorns.
Verdict: Save.
The Caspian Seal
OH MY GOD.
Verdict: DIVERT BAILOUT FUNDING TO SAVING THIS IMMEDIATELY. The species too if you can, but I mean this one specifically.
The Black-footed Ferret
We have more than enough ferrets hiding in stoners’ futon cushions on college campuses nationwide. Plus the picture is out of focus.
Verdict: Nah.
Iberian Lynx
Seems pettable enough that we should probably save it, but that sly grin makes me wonder if we’ll regret it.
Verdict: Save (but keep an eye on him)
Père David’s Deer
Boooooooooring. I grew up with more interesting species in my backyard.
Verdict: Nah.
Holdridge’s Toad
Please. I hung out with These Guys my whole childhood, I can’t turn my back on them now.
Verdict: Save.
The Grey-faced Sengi or Elephant-shrew
Eh, it’s cute, but we got hundreds of these things, and no one said these choices were gonna be easy.
Verdict: Nah.
The Rameshwaram Parachute Spider
I don’t want to think about what this thing must be capable of doing to get the name “Parachute Spider”.
Verdict: Kill the rest immediately.
The Fishing Cat
Don’t regular cats fish? I guess we don’t totally need this one, but maybe it’d cuddle up next to you for a nap every now and then. We better keep it around and find out.
Verdict: Save.
The Squaretail Coral Grouper
Overfishing has really gotten out of hand the last few years, but as long as we got some fish around, I’m not picky.
Verdict: Sushi party!
La Palma Giant Lizard
Completely replaceable, and not even facing the camera and making an “I’m so cuddwy you have to save me, wwwight?” expression. Even then he would’ve been a longshot.
Verdict: Nah.
The Wild Horse (Equus ferus)
I got nothing against horses, but thaaaaaat’s two dudes in a sh*tty horse costume from a 20s silent Western.
Verdict: Make sure it’s a real animal, then if it is, I guess save it.
The Cuban Crocodile
“The Cuban Crocodile” is not an actual species, it’s clearly the nickname of a boxer and that’s just a stock photo of a little crocodile.
Verdict: Nah. Not buying it.
The African Elephant
Duh — obviously save it. That’d be like discontinuing “Blue” in future packs of crayons.
Verdict: Save.
I imagine we’re all pretty much in agreement here? Leave any objections in the comments, and I’ll be sure to pass them on to the U.N. when I make my formal recommendations.
