Here only 3 days into 2008, I’ve already received what might turn out to be the Saddest Press Release of The Year. It would seem that Amy Fisher (who after sixteen years is still cashing in on the nickname “Long Island Lolita”) will actually be Guest DJ’ing her own Sex Tape Release Party, which is apparently the “#1 Video in the Nation” (at least among scumbag Jersey mechanics in 1992). Go ahead and read this excerpt from the press release as a little more hope for humanity is siphoned from your heart:

Formerly Known as “Long Island Lolita”, Amy Fisher…To Mix Music as Guest DJ for the First time ever at Her Sex Tape Release Party celebrating it being the # 1 Video in the Nation

Amy Fisher is back and will be hitting the turntables as a guest DJ, Friday January 4, 2008 at 10pm at 513 W28th Street in Manhattan. Ms Fisher will be joined by NYC Club Guru “JE” Englebert. The controversial sex video which Amy Fisher is featured will be displayed their (sic). The tape was produced by the same company as the famed Paris Hilton tape. The Amy Fisher video is now the #1 video tape in the United States.

So let’s get this straight – she’s going to be there, DJ’ing, while a bunch of strangers watch a big screen on which she’s having unpleasant-looking sex with somebody? What song could she possibly play to underscore the mutual sadness shared among a room full of people standing there, aghast, as a skanky tabloid cooze in her 40’s, consumed with the deeply unnerving need for even more ill-gotten fame, joylessly wiggles up and down atop some Viagra-fueled old blue hair? Has a song that depressing even been written!?! The only thing I think would work is a mash-up of Portishead, Radiohead, and a recording of slaughtered rabbits having their heads chopped off.