Katie “Seriously Call Me Kate” Holmes made a rare appearance on David Letterman a couple of nights ago to promote her upcoming movie Mad Money, also starring Diane Keaton and Queen Latifah and sadly not starring Jim Cramer. Her lack of appearances could possibly have something to do with the fact that Ms. Holmes has ceased starring in TV shows and movies as she once did, and has spent the last few years morphing into Robin Williams‘ Jack and silently squeezing out the world’s most adorable baby while husband Tom Cruise held a gasoline soaked rag over her mouth.

But rather than exploding onto the stage with a million things to say about married life and her new film, Katie seemed strangely reserved, quiet, and private. Which is why we’ve decided to take the interview to the next level, and run it through our Celebrity Translator. Check out the interview here, and then imagine a world where Suri and Zac Efron create millions of the prettiest little babies ever created by a lab ever ever. Then, call child services and see if they could possibly put Katie in a foster home.