Another handy lesson in how to take a complete non-story and turn it into a sizzlin’ gossip exclusive comes to us from Us Weekly:

EXCLUSIVE: Usmagazine.com has learned that when police arrived at Britney Spears’ Beverly Hills home on Jan. 3 to investigate her custody dispute with Kevin Federline they discovered that her youngest son, Jayden James, had at least one bite and several bruises on his body…

[Three paragraphs later]

After observing the bite mark and bruises on the child, police were then told by Federline’s bodyguard, who had been at the home to pick up the kids, that the injuries were on Jayden before the child had even arrived at Spears’ home earlier in the day, and that his older brother, Sean Preston, had actually bit him.

Four paragraphs into the article, we’ll mention an extremely likely scenario for how the child got bitten that the bodyguard of her custody opponent confirms, but we still simply cannot rule out the possibility that Britney bit her child, perhaps mistaking him for a toddler-shaped Good Humor bar (she also usually punches Good Humor bars first to bruise them up). It is also possible that Britney crafted some sort of metal jaw on a stick and used it to ‘bite’ the child from across the room when he misbehaved — at this point, we simply do not know, so we can’t just rely on made-up explanations.

Also, Sean Preston appeared to have a bit of a cough, which the bodyguard claims was just a cold he’d had for a couple days, but we cannot rule out the possibility that Britney was growing flu germs in a petri dish and injected him in the tongue when he came to her house. We are objective journalists, and simply do not know all the facts at this time.