50 Cent is suing Taco Bell after the fast food franchise offered to donate $10,000 to a charity of his choice if he changed his name to “79 Cent,” “89 Cent,” or “99 Cent.” Some people are lashing back at Taco Bell, claiming they’re a multi billion dollar corporation offering basically no money to exploit 50 Cent’s profile for promotional purposes, but I couldn’t disagree more — to me, it sounds like a completely heartfelt and legitimate attempt by Taco Bell to make this crazy world we live in a better place.
That’s why I, too, have an announcement to make — I will donate FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS to any charity if Brad Pitt agrees to legally change his name to “Best Week Ever.”
I know you’re into helping the Earth and people and sh*t, Brad, so here’s your chance. Just change your name to “Best Week Ever” (and slip the URL Bestweekever.tv into your next movie if you get a chance) and I will donate a stone-cold five hundred big ones, CASH, to any charity you want. Disease research, hurricane relief, you name it. Hell, I’ll even throw it to NAMBLA if you want — you just change your name and it’s up to you.
Think about all the people it could help! Five hundred American dollars? That could save, like, five hundred people if they’re all a dollar away from being saved! Do you want five hundred people to die immediately because you don’t want to take the time to change the initials on your precious monogrammed golden bath towels? I just thought you were a little better than the average celebrity, Brad, but I guess in reality you’re just a really hot, really cut FRAUD.
As a compromise, I’ll give you $300 if you change your name to “Brad Week Ever,” but you still have to pronounce “Brad” as “Best.” And I’ll throw in an extra $50 if you make it “Watch Brad Week Ever, Every Friday Night At Nine And Eleven On VH1.”
Also, I’ll send you this $25 Olive Garden gift card that I’m not gonna use if you get Angelina to change her name to “Dan Hopper For Pulitzer.” Cool? Thanks.
