The always LOLliable News of the World has really outdone themselves with their latest scoop, entitled Mini-Me Gave Me a Little of What I Fancied (de-emphasis theirs). In the article, Ranae Shrider, the infamous regular sized woman featured in the oddly unarousing Verne Troyer sex tape, finally speaks… but not without the help of 1000 different words for “tiny” (Ex: “At last, proof that size really DOESN’T matter”, etc.)
But buried amidst the hilarious word play, a revelation: Verne Troyer, America’s most beloved miniature actor after Peter Dinklage and the midget from Total Recall, almost drowned in a lover’s bath over Easter:
And it was here Verne almost DROWNED in a bubble bath as Ranae tried to spice up their love-making. “I thought it would be fun to do it in the tub,” she said. “Sadly I almost killed him. While Verne was watching TV I ran the bath, emptied a bottle of bubbles in it and called him in. But the bubbles were so thick and high that once he climbed in he got lost under the water and I couldn’t see him.”
“Verne’s voice is just like it is in the films and as he disappeared under the water, I heard this tiny yelp for help. I could just hear him crying, ‘Ranae, I can’t see! Get me out, I’m drowning!’
“I was frantic and started to scoop the bubbles out so I could find him. The bath was only about 3ft deep but for someone of Verne’s size it was like he’d fallen into the deep end of a swimming pool—and he CAN’T swim. I put my hand under and eventually felt his bald head and hauled him out. I couldn’t believe I’d tried to do something sexy and ended up almost killing him. He looked like a drowned rat.
Good sweet lord — WE ALMOST LOST A NATIONAL TREASURE. This woman should be put in jail as a pre-emptive measure.
No wonder he looks so unenthused.
