I genuinely, unironically uttered the following sentence yesterday:
You can’t collapse the Facebook mini-feed anymore?
That’s f***ing bulls**t!
I then realized how tragic this sentence was, hung my head in shame for ten minutes, then quickly threw one pair of flip-flops and a Swiss Army Knife into a backpack and headed onward into the wilderness, leaving my wallet, keys, and cell phone behind and leaving no notice for my friends or family.
I am currently living amongst that indigenous tribe of orange people in the Amazon with no internet access, clothing, or ability to contact the outside world. In fact, Blagg is actually writing this right now, guessing about what happened to me. But it’s all true.
Also, if someone could change my Facebook Relationship Status to “It’s Complicated with Orange Archer Chick,” I’d appreciate it.
