Kelsey Grammer suffered a mild heart attack while paddle boarding in Hawaii this weekend. Because he’s doing fine and expected to be released from the hospital tomorrow, I no longer feel bad for immediately picturing the following wacky scenario taking place:
KELSEY GRAMMER: I cannot believe you refused to go parasailing — I dare say, David, for someone who’s only 49 years old, you sure don’t act a day over 90.
DAVID HYDE PIERCE: I apologize if I don’t feel like spending my vacation partaking in some ancient form of Chinese air torture. Besides, paddle boarding is just as much fun, with a significantly reduced chance of untimely death.
KELSEY GRAMMER: [GRABS CHEST] Oh… oh dear…
DAVID HYDE PIERCE: What is it now, Kelsey?
KELSEY GRAMMER: My chest, it’s… ouch… Oowwwwww….
DAVID HYDE PIERCE: Oh, very funny, Kelsey. Ha ha. You’re dying because paddle boarding is soooo dangerous, I get it, let’s all rip on the big paddle boarding baby.
KELSEY GRAMMER: [BEGINS TO SQUEEZE CHEST]
DAVID HYDE PIERCE: Now you just look foolish. You simply cannot bear not having your way, can you? And you call me childish, my goodness.
KELSEY GRAMMER: [FALLS OFF BOARD INTO WATER, SPLASHING AROUND]
DAVID HYDE PIERCE: [TURNS ON THE SARCASM] FINE! I’m a biiiigggg wusssssss, I’m afraid to go 10,000 feet in the air on a piece of cloth because I’m a little baby and I’m afraid I will urinate in my pants and I need my mommy to open my pudding cup for me. There, is that what you wanted to hear, Kelsey? …Kelsey?
[KELSEY IS COMPLETELY SUBMERGED]
CAMILLE, KELSEY’S WIFE: Where did Kelsey go — Oh my God, David, go get the life guard!
DAVID HYDE PIERCE: The — the lifeguard?
CAMILLE: I think he had a heart attack! Did you not see what was happening?? Oh my God –
DAVID HYDE PIERCE: A heart attack??? Oh, um, yes, well, I, um, I was privy to witnessing that…
CAMILLE: GO! NOW!
DAVID HYDE PIERCE: Um, yes, of course I’m going now, as I was… going to… yes, right away… [AWKWARDLY LEAVES]
[CUT TO SILENT BLACK TITLE SCREEN, "O Brother Where Art Thou?"]
Etc.
