When Nick and Mariah first wed in a strangely secretive intimate wedding ceremony, I recall being a bit surprised that this unusual, seemingly publicity-driven pairing would take a low-key approach, and actually thought to myself, “maybe this isn’t just a typical ostentatious celebrity couple that clearly won’t last…”
Then I read about them on every gossip website for the next two weeks, immediately calling that theory into question, and now, a final harbinger of inevitable celebrity-couple doom:
Newlyweds Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon made up for their intimate wedding with a celebration at Six Flags Magic Mountain Theme Park Tuesday evening.
The park was decorated with pink and purple balloons and a banner which read: ‘Mariah and Nick – A Love Story.’
Oh dear God… really?? “A Love Story?” Alright, I give them eleven months.
“[Nick's] plan is to have one [wedding] every year,” Carey gushed to Ellen Degeneres Tuesday. “Instead of trying to be like, ‘You’re invited, but shhh, don’t tell anybody,’ we’re just going to have another one [wedding] next year.”
No, you won’t. Because you’ll be divorced. I change my prediction to eight months. Wait, there’s more…?
“I always said… if I found the right person who I felt would be on the same page as me in term of raising kids and having the same belief system, [we'd have kids],” Carey said.
The ‘same belief system,’ eh? What, like, Relativism or something? Three months.
Reuben Cannon told Usmagazine.com his half-brother Nick, “definitely wants kids,” and that he “loves [Mariah] more than any other girl.”
You forgot to add “In the whole wide world,” Nick.
Aaaand on that backhanded compliment, I will change my prediction to… tomorrow. They are going to break up tomorrow. Or they may have already as I was typing this. Let me refresh the Us Weekly page… no, nothing yet. But man, is it ever coming.
