From 23/6 — In case you missed last night’s American Idol, Paula Abdul got a little confused. Or did she? Check out this conspiracy theory [kind of], after the jump!
American Idol was rocked this week when Paula Abdul evaluated two songs by hippie-dippy Jason Castro after he had only sung the first one. But how could she possibly have known what the kid was going to sound like before he performed? (Other than the fact that everything he sings sounds exactly the same.) What most people don’t know is that Paula is a medium–just like, say, that lady on Medium–and she can actually see the future. Here are 10 other things that Paula already knows are going to happen, way ahead of the rest of us:
1. For the first time in decades, Neil Diamond will sell more copies of his new album to teenagers than to people over 50. As a result, days later the most popular Internet query will be “How do I return something to iTunes?”
2. Iron Man will be hugely successful at the box office, resulting in dozens of people around the country creating their own rocket-powered flying metal suits. Half of them will survive.
3. The British guy on The Bachelor will select Lorenzo Lamas’ daughter as his bride. They’ll remain madly in love for as long as it helps her career.
4. Amy Winehouse will go to rehab four more times, find religion, and end up becoming the opening act for Matisyahu’s Superstars of Hasidism Tour.
5. A rash of car thefts, muggings, shootings and other crimes throughout New York City will turn out to be the work of people who wanted to play Grand Theft Auto IV but couldn’t afford a Playstation. At the same time, several people dressed as frogs will be killed crossing the street.
6. Al Gore will start a company that sells bottled water made from freshly melted glaciers, with profits going to global-warming research. But customers will turn away when many of the bottles turn out to contain woolly-mammoth hairs.
7. Barack Obama will win the Democratic nomination and the presidential election, ushering in a new era of peace and prosperity that will last for two days.
8. After years of effort on the part of diplomats, politicians and military leaders, the Iraq War will finally end. The region will enjoy a new era of peace and prosperity that will last for two hours.
9. Bill Clinton‘s next book will be a sex manual. It’ll sell 100 million copies.
10. Paula herself will be fired from American Idol when she predicts next season’s winner before the auditions start. The person she chose will then have to drop out of the show, and first place will instead go to a nerdy kid from Seattle–who becomes a huge star instead of having a career in science, in which he would have created a source of clean, cheap, unlimited fuel that would have saved us all. Darn you, Paula!
