I’m extremely disappointed in today’s gossip stories about Star Jones’ divorce. None of them call her fat, none of them mention her surgery, and none of them refer to her by nonexistant Star-related nicknames. When did the frickin’ gossip community suddenly grow a conscience???
Therefore, I’ve taken the liberty of rewriting the Us Weekly blurb about Star’s divorce with the proper amount of unfunny, weirdly inhumane jargon that we all deserve whenever something personal and negative occurs to a celebrity. YOU’RE WELCOME, everyone except TMZ:
“Several years ago I made an error in judgment by inviting the media into the most intimate area of my life,” she tells ET in a statement. Most intimate area? Is Star-tard talking about her plastic ponch??
Star went on, “A month ago I filed for divorce. The dissolution of a marriage is a difficult time in anyone’s life that requires privacy with one’s thoughts.” Back off, chubby hubby — Stardust wants to be alone with her private thoughts… about bacon!!
She added, “I have committed myself to handling this situation with dignity and grace and look forward to emerging from this period as a stronger and wiser woman.” Are “dignity” and “grace” Starburst’s code names for “binging” and “plastic surgery”? Also, “emerging from this period”??? TMIStarOMFG!!!
Better, no?
