In merely a few hours, hip-hop superstars Beyonce and Jay-Z will be getting married at a previously undisclosed location in New York City. But thanks to the help of the man who swears he swapped spit with John Mayer, we now know EXACTLY where this wedding will take place. Which is why we’ve put together this list of The Do’s and Don’t's to Crashing The Beyonce/Jay-Z Wedding. We’re not saying you should crash this wedding, but how else are you going to upstage Beyonce, Jennifer Hudson?
- DO: Wear your most formal catering pasties.
- DON’T: Be one of the fourteen former members of Destiny’s Child.
- DON’T: Be Jennifer Hudson.
- DO: Sing “And I Am Telling You” when Jay-Z’s henchman DJ Jazzy Jeff your ass out of there.
- DO: Compliment Mama Knowles on designing her daughter’s monokini wedding gown.
- DON’T: Rub Beyonce‘s side-belly asking when the baby is due.
- DO: Get your fade tidied up, and wear your platinum Chainsaw from Summer School sunglasses, claiming to be a long lost family member, Kanye East.
- DON’T: Not care about black people.
- DO: Give her your Adapted Screenplay Oscar as a wedding gift.
- DON’T: Give her your Catwoman “Razzie”.
- DO: Be East Coast.
- DON’T: Be West Coast. (This is an imperative rule for crashing this wedding, and sort of also in life.)
- DO: Hit the gym for a few hundred years beforehand, and claim to be the third, and most ignored, Williams sister.
- DON’T: Confront Venus or Serena, lest you want your Pregnant T-Mangina ripped clear out.
- DO: Show up at the place with your weave covering up your face, to be safe.
- DON’T: Gel together your best helicopter hair.
- DO: Pretend to be a Gay Caterer.
- DON’T: Pretend to be the Ghost of Notorious B.I.G.
- DO: Pop a cork of champagne to celebrate!
- DON’T: Pop a cork in anyone’s ass.
Have a great time, and congrats to the happy couple!
