Last night was the premiere of the 4th season of Bravo’s other hit series, Top Chef, and while it’s still far too early to tell who this season’s stand-out chefs are going to be (though Andrew is clearly the stand-out “dude who says retarded stuff on camera, motherf*cker”), the Bravo casting directors once again demonstrated their deep love of people with pointy, spiky hair. Faux-hawks (or “foie-hawks” as they shall henceforth be known when referring to Top Chefs) are clearly the secret ingredient to culinary success. Don’t believe me? Take a look at these 10 competitors:
10. Josie, Season 2 — Josie had a really fun, likable personality and pretty solid cooking skills, which is why we were sorry to see her go so early in the competition back in Season 2. I think if she would have just manicured her foie-hawk down to have a tighter, more defined shape, she could have gone really far.
9. Marcel, Season 2 — Despite his formidable ability in a kitchen and second place finish in the competition, Marcel’s abrasive pretense and constant whining made him sort of a punching bag/mascot during the second season. Also his hair was unbearable. It’s like he couldn’t decide whether he wanted a foie-hawk, or to look like the wussiest Wolverine ever.
See the rest, after the jump!
8. Dale, Season 4 — It’s too early to get a sense of what this Dale guy is capable of, but I’ll say this – that’s not a very committed foie-hawk. It just seems like he sort of wants to be Hung, but isn’t quite sure. But as we all know, to be a Top Chef, you’ve got to stand behind your food, and your hair.
7. Stephen, Season 1 — Steve-O is the wine-loving OG of Top Chef foie-hawks (and douchebags, incidentally). His carefully frosted, gelled and sculpted hair was a symbol of the care and attention he put into fancy-pants food and knowing everything there is to know about wine. However, his lack of a sharp foie-hawk point is also symbolic of his inability to turn his technical ability into a cohesive recipe for success.
6. Jennifer, Season 4 — While she’s not blazing the trail for fois-hawked lesbians on Top Chef, her hair has a lot more height and definition than Josie’s did, thus making her a much more formidable competitor. However, her girlfriend Zoi, who’s also competing in the show this season, could distract her from maintaining the foie-hawk with the care required to win this thing.
5. Sandee, Season 3 — For some reason I don’t remember this person, which is a shame, because that’s a pretty amazing foie-hawk. I guess her food must have been as off-putting as the dyed tips of her hawk, because I can’t see any other reason why she wasn’t a finalist.
4. Richard, Season 4 — Again, we haven’t yet seen a whole of this guy, though one episode is all needed to know Dick has some serious skillz in the cooking department and an impressive foie-hawk to match. I mean, the front tip on that thing might be six or seven inches high! He’s my early pick to go all the way this season.
3. Ilan, Season 2 Winner – Everyone knows Ilan really had no business winning season 2, which makes him a classic example of the impact the foie-hawk can have. Sam was the far more talented, deserving, and better-looking chef, but like Samson in the Old Testament, Ilan’s hair provided him with a secret unbeatable power (though Ilan should probably grow the foie-hawk back, because we haven’t really heard from him in awhile).
2. Hung, Season 3 Winner — With mazing technical abilities, a tireless work ethic, the ability to know when to keep his mouth shut, and a carefully cultivated foie-hawk, Hung was pretty much the whole package. It’s as if he studied Marcel and figured out what to do better, and what not to do. If his foie-hawk was just a little bit spikier, he very well could have been the greatest Top Chef of them all.
1. Dale, Season 3 — Oh, Dale. The big gay brontosaurus. While Dale didn’t win the whole shebang like the last two people on our list, he was really a pretty terrible chef, which leads me to believe that his ridiculously amazing foie-hawk was what actually carried him to such a late round in the competition. Sure, his Foie Gras Mousse couldn’t push him over the top for the win against Hung, but his foie-hawk is f*cking adorable. I mean, he looks like a character from The Land Before Time.
