Do you have problems standing, walking, or being places? Do you wish you could climb up boats and exit showers, but you just don’t have the portable handles to make it happen? Are you a fan of sacrificing all dignity in favor of vague, superfluous safety?

Worry no longer — now there’s GET A GRIP, the newest, most necessary development in holding-on-to-sh*t technology since Dr. Clampy’s Handlemadoos!

Get a Grip can hold any full grown man, not just female midgets like those other portable grippy things on the market. And it attaches quickly and easily to boats, mirrors, or any other place where it will be an immediate, conspicuous eyesore!

Throw away those pulley systems and ropes with chewing gum on the end — with Get a Grip, you’ll no longer have to stay in showers for the rest of your life, plus the handles somehow make you not stupid enough to twist your back really awkwardly when walking out of the shower, even when you’re no longer holding on to them!

How much would you expect to pay for this amazing product? Zero dollars, because it’s completely, embarrassingly useless, even by the lowest standards of infomercial products? Wrong. Two dollars, because it’d make a decent ironic gag gift if you happen to share an anecdote with a friend that involves that person failing to stand up? NO. WAY.

Now, Get a Grip is available for just two easy payments of $9.99!!! And by “easy,” we mean “you are an idiot!!!!” Order now and we’ll throw in a second Get a Grip handle in case you have trouble bracing yourself enough to get to the first one, meaning you are severely arthritic and/or crippled to the point where you need very serious medical attention, not just two plastic phone-shaped deelies! But what the hell, buy them anyway!!

So remember: Get a Grip — Or Don’t! Because if you do you’re a goddamn moron!