On Sunday, the 80th Annual Academy Awards will broadcast live from Los Angeles’ Kodak Theatre, and families around the globe will gather round their HDTV’s to marvel at the taught faces of Hollywood. The Oscars this year will be a sweet release for much of the industry, as now that the months-long Writers Guild strike has ended, the world’s most privileged elite can enjoy their Governers Ball filet mignon without the least bit of guilt.
Hosting this year’s spectacular is The Daily Show‘s Jon Stewart, who brings a certain intelligence (and, yes, sexiness) to the proceedings.
But as much as I love Jon Stewart (and trust me, shrines don’t lie), a part of me longs for the old days of the Oscars, when Billy Crystal would strap on his shiniest dress shoe and lightly tap his way out from behind the curtains, delivering Vilanch zinger after zinger to the gleeful crowd. Crystal in general never did it for me, but his signature Oscar-inspired Best Picture parody song handily made the entire event, how do you say… “highly enjoyable“. Stewart may be a super-geen, but that doesn’t mean he’s gonna be the singing/dancing showman Crystal used to deliver with ease.
Which is why, this year, I thought to myself: “How hard could it be to write a Best Picture parody song?”, and decided to give it the old college try. Crystal or no crystal, we would have our word-playing time in the sun.
I began with one of my favorite films of last year, There Will be Blood. This is where I taught myself a very important acronym: WWBVD? Or, What Would Bruce Vilanch Do?
My first thought was to riff off of the classic “My milkshake drains all the oil from your yard” concept, but a Google search of said quote actually caused my monitor to explode. No, for this one, I’d have to be more unique. So I went with another popular song of 2007… Kanye West‘s “Stronger”. Note: It helps to actually have the karaoke backgrounds of each song playing as you read it…:
Work It, Drill It, Pump It Makes Me Faster, Richer, Meaner, Drunker
That that that that that don’t kill me
Can only make me stronger
I need you to hurry up son
Cause I can’t wait much longerI know I got to drill oil now
So I can get much stronger
Man think I’ll have some more scotch now
And put my bowlin’ pin on ya.
HW I need ya right now.
HW I need ya right now.Let’s get lost tonight
You could be my black oil boss tonight
Your son’s experiencin’ hearing loss tonight
So he can’t give a f*ck what they all say, right?Awesome, the Christian whose living next door
Damn they don’t make ‘em like this anymore
I ask, cause I’m not sure
Do anybody have any oil anymore?
Bow in the presence of greatness
Cause right now thou has forsaken us
You should be honored by my moustache
That I would even try drink your milkshake
So I’ll go ahead go nuts, go ape sh*t
Especially with my bowling pins on your face bitch
Act like you can’t tell who made this
New gospel makes me sick, and take this haaaaterrrs(Work it harder, pump it better,
drill it faster, makes me stronger,
more than ever, hour after
hour work is never over.)
(Repeat Chorus x 100)
A noble first effort. Four more to go! Next up, my other favorite film of last year, No Country For Old Men.
After the jump, my song parody writing takes a disastrous turn for the lazy!
So with a little thought, and even littler effort, I produced the following parody for No Country For Old Men… sung to Amy Winehouse’s “Rehab”:
Tried to make me go to Juno,
I said No Country For Old Men
Wild Hogs was good, but I’m in the mood for
No Country For Old MenI always have the time
For Javier Bardem
Even though I hate his haircut
I’ll see No Country For Old MenI’d rather be watching No Country
Sitting there for 70 days
Cos there’s nothing, there’s nothing you can teach me
That I didn’t learn from Mr. Tommy LeeAnd what about Josh Brolin’s ass?
And what about that small cowboy ass ya’ll?They try to make me go see Juno,
I said No Country For Old Men.
MMM OK, not amazing, but certainly current. Next up, Michael Clayton. It’s sort of hard to joke on Michael Clayton, as the movie itself was full of the kinds of twists and turns that don’t naturally lend itself to parody song writing. (If you didn’t see it, Michael Clayton is a “cleaner” for a law firm, and sets off to work after one of the firm’s attorneys loses his mind.) Still, the challenge remained. So I put my tinker-tank to work, and created the following parody… sung to Beyonce‘s “Irreplaceable”:
To the left, To the left
All the files you own in that box to the left
In the office, get your stuff,
You’ve lost your mind, and I need to be tough.And keep talking that mess, that’s fine
But you can’t practice law at the same time
And you’re not wearing any pants
So remove your bags let me call you a cab.Standing in my front yard telling me
Chemical companies kill
How am I ever gonna fix this mess you made
You got me twistedYou must not know about me
You must not know about me
My name’s Michael Clayton, I’m here to save ya
But this is the very last favor maybe… babyYou must not know about me
You must not know about me
I’m Michael Clayton, I’m an attorney
Even though I look and act like George Clooney…
I’m irreplaceable! Baby
Cue gigantic red marker check. Three down, two to go. And the last two movies, Atonement and Juno, were going to be real noodlescratchers. I hadn’t even seen Atonement (most of my friends claimed it to be too boring for words), so rather than base its parody song on the plot alone, I decided to base it moreso on its star:
Chin Chinnery Chin Chinnery
Chin Chin Cherree
Keira’s as lucky as lucky can be
Chin Chinnery Chin Chinnery
Chin Chin Cherroo
Good luck will rub off when she rubs chins with youBut in Atonement
She’s an unlucky shrew!Now, as the ladder of life ‘as been strung
Her boyfriend’s accused of raping the young
Though she spends her time batting lashes and starving
No actress’s jaw would be better for carvingChin Chinnery Chin Chinnery
Chin Chin Cherree
Keira’s as lucky as lucky could be
Chin Chinnery Chin Chinnery
Chin Chin Cherroo
Good luck will rub off when she rubs chins with you
But in Atonement
She’s an unlucky shrew!
It was here that I learned something: Parody Song Writing is EXHAUSTING. My eyes were burning, my brain longing for the days when listening to Weird Al for 7 hours straight sufficed. And it’s impossible to write these songs without contemplating suicide every 3 minutes… How DOES Vilanch do it?
And the worst part is… I was left with one last movie, by far my least favorite of all the nominees… Juno. I had trouble finding an appropriate song from 2007 that matched the title “Juno”, so had to go with a golden oldie… Tom Petty‘s “You Don’t Know How It Feels”:
Let me sleep with you tonight
I’ll take you on a midnight ride
You’re the one I want to see
Holding our small bastard babyBut let me get to the point, you should roll another joint
My dad is cool, and so are you, and I’m too young, to raise it too
Cause Juno know how it feels
Juno knows how it feels… to be preeeeegnant.
My worst attempt? Indeed. But at least I was able to prove to myself that I, my good people, am no Bruce Vilanch.
Feel free to test your Oscar Best Picture parody song-writing skills in the comments. I look forward to reading them… I think.
